Confused by potential fuck buddy’s behavior-is he down or not?

[Anonymous]

Back in the fall I met a guy who lives out of town but comes in every few weeks for work. He asked me to grab drinks so we did and we kissed after. From the time we left he texted me a ton. He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship (he doesn’t live here after all) but that he wanted a fling. He initiated contact with me every day for a week plus and texted me throughout the day. He sent me very explicit texts and racy photos and would ask for them in return. It was honestly a ton of fun. He was definitely the one doing the chasing. Then right before he was supposed to come in he called and said as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t hook up because he started seeing someone. In the few months since we each contacted each other once about a mutual friend. It was basic chitchat, not much conversation. A couple of weeks ago he texted me about something random. We went back and forth for a few hours, and when I quit Replying he texted again. I was confused about what he wanted. That night I saw him on a dating app. Realizing he was single I sent Him a screenshot of a pic and said how hot he looked. He only said “ah boy” and nothing else. The next day I said Screw it and texted him saying if he was single I’d love to hook up while he was in town. He said “I wish But I don’t Have time for that today” (he was going home that day). So then I said If he was still interested in hooking up sometime to let me know. He replied “obviously lol we’ll figure it out next time.” His response did not seem too enthusiastic so I’m confused what to make of it. Would he have said that if he knew he didn’t want to hook up though? That was 8 days ago, he hasn’t said anything since. Why contact me when he was in town if he didn’t want to do anything? I feel like I can’t Text him again without looking desperate but ugh I don’t Want to let this one go without a hookup!

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo this dude is giving me mixed signals for sure. On the one hand, when you first hooked up he was definitely into it and chased you hard, sexting a ton and stuff. But then he backs off once he's talking to someone else.

And now he's hitting you up again but it doesn't seem super enthusiastic about actually meeting up. Kinda seems like he might just be bored and messaging for attention, not actually trying to follow through. Like saying "we'll figure it out" is such a non-answer.

I get why you'd want to try giving it another shot since the sexual chemistry seems to be there. But my advice would be don't double text him or chase him down - let him come to you for once if he's really interested. Otherwise you risk coming across desperate like you said.

Maybe one more low-key message like "let me know next time you're around and down" just to leave the ball in his court. Then I'd say keep your options open and consider moving on. No point wasting your time if he's not gonna step up and make it happen for real. Just my two cents!

[Asker]

Huge mixed signals! I have no clue why he would reach out to me again if he didn’t want to hook up. Maybe he is still seeing the girl but is unsure/bored and that’s why he’s messaging me and back on dating sites?

And yes his “obviously lol we’ll figure it out another time” was really a non-answer. It’s like I assume If he wasn’t interested he would not have said “obviously” but yet if he wanted to get together he would have said more.

He’s the one who did ALL the chasing before. I wasn’t Totally sold on him when I thought He was looking to date but the chemistry was insane and i def want to hook up. I feel like I already Left the ball in his court so even though he did the chasing before and I’d love to follow up with something provocative to get it going again, I’m reluctant to because I don’t want to look desperate.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, this guy is majorly confusing. On the one hand, it does seem weird that he would reach out to you again at all if he wasn't at least a little interested in hooking up. But then his responses have been kinda lukewarm too. My best guess is he might still be kinda seeing that other girl, but keeps you on the back burner as an option if things don't work out with her or he's bored. That would explain him being on the dating sites and kinda giving you mixed signals.

It's definitely frustrating that he did all the chasing before but now isn't making solid plans. Some guys just lose interest I guess. But his "obviously" response does seem like he's still open to the idea down the road, he just doesn't want to commit to firm plans. Super annoying!

I feel you that the chemistry was crazy good and you wanna hook up. But at the same time, I wouldn't double text him or send anything too provocative either. You're right that you don't wanna come off desperate after leaving the ball in his court already. My advice would be play it cool for now - let him come to you if he's really interested. In the meantime, maybe try talking to other guys too so you're not just sitting around waiting for this dude to decide if he wants you or not. Keep your options open! This guy doesn't deserve your full attention if he can't even tell you what he wants. Stay positive - something better might come along!

[Asker]

Thanks for taking the time to say all of that! Rarely do I feel a connection like this , otherwise I would have dropped it. And no I’m not hoping for more with him; I think there are a couple qualities that would make him someone I wouldn’t Actually want an LTR with.

Obviously something made him text me last week. Maybe he was just bored and newly single and didn’t have any other females to talk to. I assume that if he didn’t still want to hook up though he would have said something like “we’ll figure it out another time” rather than “obviously lol we’ll figure it out next time” when I told him to lmk if he was still interested. He said before that he won’t have sex with two girls at the same time, so I’m assuming I’ll hear from him next time he’s in town if there isn’t anyone else.

[Oliverlogan263]

Eh you could be right about all that. Dude definitely seems like the type to just hit people up when he's bored or between other girls. But honestly at the same time, trying to analyze all his messages and figure out if he "really" wants to hook up or not is probably just wasting your brain power, you know?

Like you said, if he was really not down at all, he probably would have just shut it down outright. So his "obviously" response does seem like he might be open to it. But at the same time, seems like he's keeping his options open and won't commit to anything solid either.

I hear you that it's rare to have that strong a connection, so I get why you're still game to hook up if he pulls through next time. But man, I'd hate for you to get all excited waiting around just for him to bail or ghost you again last minute. Like don't give too much mental real estate to this dude and what he "might" do, cuz he don't really seem that reliable, you feel me?

Maybe shoot him one more casual text soon like "sup, still down to link up whenever you're back in town?" and then afterward just do your thing. Keep living your best life, talking to other guys, having fun whether he comes through or not. Then ball's in his court and at least you tried, without stressing over it too much, ya know? Gotta protect your peace of mind! But do what feels right, I ain't no expert haha

[Asker]

I’m definitely not waiting around for him, I’m dating around and just really hoping he comes around haha

In all honesty he and I have some ties that could make it a potentially sticky situation. I was surprised how unfazed he was by it initially, but maybe he recognizes it more now and wants to hook up (if he’s even single!) but would rather explore other options with zero strings first. I think that would explain the mixed signals.

So I don’t know when he’s coming in town next, and at this point I’m not planning to reach out to him. But you think if I did Decide to, one casual text wouldn’t make me look desperate? Again he pursued me hardcore but i just hate to look like im doing it now lol.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah, good call on definitely not waiting around or counting on this guy! Dating others is the right move so you're not fixated on just him.

And that makes sense if there's some tie/connection beyond just physical. Definitely adds another layer of possible complication he may be hesitant about pursuing fully yet. Exploring casual with others first is a fair approach on his part in that case.

As for reaching out, I don't think one casual friendly text would necessarily come across as desperate. Like maybe just something lowkey asking how he's been or what's new since you last spoke. Nothing too pursuing, just a feeler. That way the ball's in his court to respond or not with no pressure.

If he doesn't reply or seems uninterested still, at least you'll know you gave it one last shot in a chill way without chasing too much. You said he did all the pursuing before so he knows you're usually not like that. One text doesn't negate playing it cool overall, I think.

But maybe only do that if you're feeling compelled - otherwise like you said just leave it for now til you get more signs he's really moving ahead with exploring you two. Either way you've got other options so no stress on this one!

[Asker]

Hey there! I really appreciate the input you gave me. Was just rereading my post and had to laugh because I’m still in the same state of confusion 3 months later. If you don’t mind sending me a message I’d love you help (I’d keep it brief, I promise!!!)

[Asker]

Actually I will Just post it as a new question!

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa no way, you're still dealing with this months later? That's crazy! This dude really had you twisted up, huh? Yeah go for it, post up a new question and fill me in on what's been going on since last time. Always down to lend an ear and try to help make sense of confusing guys situations! Especially when it comes to hooking up - dudes can be so inconsistent sometimes, it's ridiculous. Looking forward to hearing the latest update!

[Asker]

Well, if you’ll recall his daughter was a student of mine but he lives out of town. Back in March he told me he was coming to the school for something and then texted me when he was there to come say hi. So we chatted in person for about 15-20 minutes; he was pretty flirty and the connection actually felt even stronger than the first time. So I texted him the next day about getting together and he said that while he would love to, it wasn’t a good idea with his daughter being my student. So we continued to chat every couple weeks or so (usually me initiating) and the same thing happened again a few weeks later where he took advantage of an opportunity to see me. In April he told me he was being transferred across the country for work, but then a couple weeks ago he texted me saying me the new position might fall through and he may instead be moving home (where I live). So I thought it was odd that he told me that since we’re not really anything to each other. Then the next day he texted me saying his daughter was talking about how much she was going to miss me. She has suspected for a while that he and I talk, and he told her then that we do (I’m sure he said we’re only friends, but still, why). I was going away the following weekend and was actually going to be really close to where he lives. I told him I’d be there if he wanted to get together. He said he couldn’t because of work (not true, it was the weekend). So then I was super confused because by telling me he might be moving home and also talking to his daughter about me it didn’t seem like he was exactly disinterested. Then I texted him a few days later asking if he knew what was happening with his job and he wasn’t very chatty. At this point I’m kind of over the weird place we’re at. I’d like to just hook up already or be done but it seems like the ball is always in his court anymore!

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, this is some crazy complicated stuff! I can totally see why you're still confused after all this back and forth.

It definitely seems like he's into you based on all the flirty encounters and the fact that he tells you stuff about work and mentions talking to his daughter about you. Like what's that even about if he's not interested, right? But then the non-committal responses when you try to actually make plans are so frustrating.

My best guess is he really does want to hook up since the chemistry is clearly there, but the daughter situation puts a major damper on things. Which is totally understandable - that would complicate things big time. But he's not being fully upfront about that either which is lame.

At this point, I don't blame you for wanting some kind of resolution one way or the other instead of hanging in limbo. If I were you, I might try sending one last casual text being like "Look, I can't tell if you're still interested or not after all this back and forth. No pressure either way, but let me know if the daughter thing is really a dead end here or what."

That puts it out there clearly without chasing him. Then you'll at least have your answer to either try to move on or know he might be open another time if things change. Don't wanna keep wasting your time on a maybe-dude, you know I'm sayin? You seem cool, you deserve a guy who's hyped to be with you no doubts! Keep me posted on what happens, boo.

[Asker]

I kind of feel like we’re at the point where he thinks casual sex would be too difficult. Like maybe back when we first met it would’ve been easy, but after talking a lot more these past few months he wouldn’t feel right about either a) having sex and then pulling away or b) having a discussion about how we’re just sleeping together, nothing more. I also think that especially if he might be moving home he would be reluctant to start something casual. A few months ago he told me his friend suggested we date instead of sleep together, and he told him that while he’s attracted to me and I’m really nice, the distance is too great. So he might worry that if the distance is gone (and especially since his daughter likes me so much) I would expect more. I’m screwed lol

[Oliverlogan263]

Ay girl, I totally hear what you're saying and that all makes a lot of sense. Once feelings and familiarity grow over time between two people, it does get way harder just to keep things casual sex-wise without any hurt feelings or drama.

Especially now if he's potentially moving closer to where you are, the lines could get way more blurred between just hooking up versus actually dating. And since his daughter is so fond of you too, that complicates things way more. I can see why the idea of starting something casual in that situation would make him hella nervous.

Plus like you said, he probably doesn't wanna just have sex and then pull away rudely either if stuff gets real. That's a real dick move and it seems like he at least respects you enough not to do you dirty like that.

Man this is such a tricky one! I don't blame you for feeling stuck - it's like you want him but don't wanna risk getting hurt if it doesn't go somewhere real. And I'm sure not having closure either way is driving you nuts after all this back and forth.

If I were you, I think I'd just have an honest heart to heart talk where you lay all the cards on the table. Make it clear you care about him but aren't trying to trap him - you just need to know for sure where you stand so you aren't left hanging. Hopefully you guys can find a way to resolve this and get on the same page. But if not, at least you'll know for sure and can let your feelings fade. You got this, girl! Keep me posted on what happens, rooting for you 💪

[firenine909]

He wanted to fuck you but he probably was seeing someone. You should be direct and just tell him you want him to fuck you and hope that’s not the case

[Asker]

Well after he texted me and I saw His dating profile I did text him and say I wanted to fuck. That’s when he said he would like to but didn’t have time (he was leaving in a few hours so maybe that was legit) so I followed up by saying to hit me up sometime if he’s still interested. He said “obviously, we’ll figure it out next time.” It’s like he was saying he still wants to hook up but still didn’t seem to be taking me up on it. So I was Pretty direct! I did wonder is he’s still with the girl and that’s why he was reaching out to me but not actually making plans.

[firenine909]

It’s easier to do this in person than online but the ship might already sailed. You could’ve fucked once the both of you started flirting with each other.

[Asker]

When we met for drinks he was supposed to be leaving to go back home but pushed the time back a couple of hours for it. So then he spent the next 2 weeks before he came here laying the groundwork to fuck, then announced he was seeing someone. So I thought it was dead before it even had a chance to happen, until he texted me the other week and really confused me

[firenine909]

Why did he text you the other week?

[Asker]

He was in town and texted me a story about a mutual friend of ours. I replied to that and we exchanged texts on and off for a couple of hours. Then I stopped replying and he texted me again later about a fight he got into with his daughter. So I’m like ok does he just need someone to bitch to? But you’d think if he lost interest he would not randomly reach out to me. Then that night I saw he was back on dating sites and thought oh that must be why he texted me. So the next day I attempted to initiate a hookup and he said he had no time before hitting the road. So I said Ok well lmk if you’re still interested sometime when you’re in town and he said “obviously lol we’ll figure it out next time.”

[firenine909]

He might be avoiding you I don't know why? Maybe he doesn’t want to hook up with you or is actually seeing somebody? I don’t know it’s a weird situation

[Asker]

Yeah but why initiate contact if he’s trying to avoid me? Things just aren’t adding up.

[firenine909]

He might be fine chatting on and off

[firenine909]

But doesn’t want to get laid with you. I don't know why the messages sent separately

[Asker]

My hunch is one of these two scenarios is true:
1. He’s newly single and wanted to see if I was still interested. Then if he isn’t hooking up with anyone next time he comes home, he would contact me.
2. He’s bored with his girlfriend and wants to see what options he might have, so he reached out to me and reactivated his dating profile. He wants attention and options without cheating.

I feel Like his non-answer was an attempt to keep the door open without committing?

[firenine909]

I’d say the latter makes more sense but when the time comes I’d make sure you fuck him good. Is there anything you’d wish he did to you?

[OlderAndWiser]

Sounds to me like he lost interest if playing your fiddle in the middle.

[spoole]

He has another hookup he prefers or has a woman that keeps him on a short leash.

[Asker]

But why message me last week? Or maybe he’s still with the girlfriend but bored/unhappy and trying to see what his options would be?

[laly520]

doesn't seem like he is down

[Asker]

But then why text me out of the blue and say “obviously” when I say To lmk if he’s still dtf? I agree That he’s not all in though too