My Boyfriend wants me to change my appearance?

[Anonymous]

A few days ago, my boyfriend asked me if I could 'gain weight' for him. He told me he'd love if I did that because he "likes it to jiggle." Now, I'm a thin girl, I weigh about 116 lbs. and I'm 5'5 but I'm healthy. I'm not anorexic looking, I have a nice, round bottom... But anyway, I feel very insulted that my boyfriend would ask me such a thing because 1.)That tells me he's not happy with the way I look, 2.) He expects me to change for HIM, meaning he doesn't like me the way I already am. 3.) It makes me insecure to know that I'm physically not the kinda girl he likes (maybe he's looking at other women..) 4.) It makes me feel that he's a bit shallow, when I thought he should be focusing on bigger things. Do you guys think I have the right to get mad? If I tried putting on weight to please him, will he lose respect for me because I'm changing MY looks for HIM? I don't know how to handle this situation, but it kinda hurts me.. Why doesn't he just move on to a thicker girl?

[joellejuly]

Hello,

I know it is already 9 months ago, I don't know what you did in the meantime. But what I can tell you is that I had been in a similar situation. I understand exacty how you feel, even if he 'd say he still likes you, it is too late , you cannot forget that. The mainreason is that, for a woman it is sooo important to feel desired by the person we are with, when you feel so , you feel confident etc. But from the moment the boyfriend tells you that about the body, which is the first 'gate' to intimacy and feeling accepted and desired, loved etc: then it is too late. Once said it cannot be taken back and it will never leave your mind. Even sex changes 'casue you don't feel as confident as you used to be anymore. The more frustrating part, is that other guys fancy you and your body and you feel so bad that you don't get the same from your own boyfriend. And before you know you start getting insecure. I have been in such a relation and I must say that I am upset with myself for even having sticked with such a person for a quite a (relatively) long time. It is terrible, such guys don't have enough selfesteem (selfish and incredibly insensitive) and try to make you feel bad to make themselves feel better. You should ask yourself why he is / was with you in the first place. If he didn't like your body then why did he decide to be with you? That is what I'd kept on tellig my ex. And even if he told me he liked me loved etc, still he never changed, he kept on showing interest for a different bodytype even if he wanted to be with me. So the only thng I can advice you is that such guys are really pathetic, they have low selfesteem (even if they look hot), no selfrespect and certainly no respect towards you. My advice is to not stay too long in such a situation, you will only harm yourself. greetz.

[Asker]

thank you for this interesting perspective. I'm done with that guy now. I guess we live and we learn from experiences. The sad thing is, a lot of guys like to continuously compare their women to OTHER women, and they never allow themselves or their partner to be happy that way. They always want the 'hottest' women. So sad..

[anabur]

I think you're taking it wrong, especially because he isn't saying "You're fat, I won't be attracted to you until you lose weight." Instead, he wants you to weigh MORE! All he's really doing is telling you what's sexy to him: a little extra "jiggle." It's not him trying to say he's unhappy, it's him communicating what he likes...be glad you aren't with a guy who won't communicate those things.

If he won't stay with you unless you weigh more, THEN he's a dick who's not happy with you.

Otherwise, you're just looking at this wrong. If he won't let the topic drop, say "I really am happy with what I look like now, and I don't want to weigh more."

[Asker]

I told him I'd put on 10lbs at most, because my body burns fat quickly.. but he said I should gain 30 lbs... Isn't that basically saying he's currently unhappy with how I am now? That's like 2 totally different body shapes...

[anabur]

Yeah, if he keeps trying to push you to gain that much weight then he's looking for someone who isn't you... he should give up the weight-gain comments or go find a girl who weighs what he wants, if it's that huge a deal

[wanacot]

Wow that is messed up. I've heard of guys complaining their girlfriend is not thin enough, but never not fat enough!

Putting that aside, tell him to go F himself. It sounds like you've got a smoking hot body and he's not satisfied with that? His loss. Don't change for him. Don't change for anybody. It's your body and your life, you're free to do what you want.

If it were me I'd dump him. You can try discussing it, but if he's brought it up it will always be in his mind (for whatever reason).

[Asker]

Thank you... Very helpful advice... But you said "it will always be on his mind".... you don't think he'll ever be able to accept me the way that I am now and be genuinely happy with it?

[wanacot]

Hard to say, he may change his mind and accept you. But if he's bold enough to tell you it seems doubtful that would happen.

[Asker]

Your answer is very helpful... It allows me to perceive things in a different light. It's just confusing for me because when we are getting physical, he gets very turned on and when he undresses me, he says I look "so sexy".... so how can he ask me to gain weight, but then compliment me later on?

[wanacot]

Obviously he's going to tell you you look good when you're getting it on... he'd be an even bigger idiot if you told you in the middle of sex he wanted you to change your look. He knows that would stop the sex right then and there.

[Asker]

True.... hmm... I don't know what to do at this point. I mean, he made that comment to me only once (about gaining weight).... I guess if he mentions it again THEN I should do something...

[stevo]

Shallow? More like a bit demanding to me. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, then he should move on. You can do better. No guy has the right to tell a girl what he expects from her, or how he wants her to look. The same rule can be applied to women telling men that as well. It's your choice, not his.

[Asker]

Agreed 100%... But why do you think he won't just move on to a thicker girl? Wouldn't that solve the problem?

[wanacot]

Perhaps he's too lazy to try and find another girl? The real question is why doesn't he just move on, but rather why do you put up with this?

[Shawnjonas]

Well I an a guy. Have you had sex? If you have I have had sex with a skinny girl she looked great with a flat stomach and everything it was just she would bend over and her bones would stick out and it just freaked me out. But I still liked the way she looked with clothes on. I never her told her that but that is kinda stupid for him just to flat out tell you. But he probably still likes you.

[jimmajam]

Don't change for anybody but yourself. It sounds cheesy, but it couldn't be more true. He's an idiot for getting into a relationship with someone if that's a big deal to him. He should love you for you either way.