My boyfriend doesn't care about his appearance. Help?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend's appearance drives me crazy sometimes. I will probably sound like a naggy person, but geez my boyfriend doesn't care about his appearance. He always wears t-shirt jeans and sneakers. He would cut his hair then leave it for like 10 months then cut it again. He baths and shaves obviously, but his way of dressing... We can never go to places that are nice, because he doesn't like to dress up. When I say dress up, I don't mean tuxedo or suite and tie. I just mean nice button down shirt since nice jeans and shoes or something. We always look like we are not going to the same place. He just doesn't do any effort. Recently my friend had a birthday party, but it was like decorated and had a black and white theme. He just didn't care about the theme, he just wore. what he wanted. He is 28 I'm 21 I don't know how to get him to just care more about his appearance. I don't want to nag him. If I force him to dress up for something, I know he will simply not go then and soon it's my sister's wedding. I really love him. How do I handle this?

[BeeNee]

This classic dilemma... can I change him... will he manage to change himself if only I but wish it. Sigh... unfortunately you met this guy the way he is, and it sounds at least, like you've been dating awhile, and of course by now you've noticed the pattern of him not caring about his appearance. Sure you can try to persuade him/nag him/beg him to get it together at 28? (really, geezus), but he's just going to resent you and say exactly what I'm telling you, is you've been dating me like this and you knew who I was and so I'm not going to change. Frustrating. You are the one that is going to have to decide if you can keep over looking this and just accept him for who he is, or if this is a deal breaker. Think about it, would you start dressing like him if he asked you to. Probably not, so expecting him to do the same probably isn't going to happen. By the way, Miss Etiquette says, those who show up to an event in which the host has asked his or her guests to wear a certain style of dress, in inappropriate attire, are rude and inconsiderate of the effort the hosts have made.

[Wondahwoman]

Instead of attacking him for what he wears and how he needs to dress better, try to approach it from a different angle. Compliment him like "oh you have such strong shoulders, they would look so sexy in a button down shirt... I've always been SO turned on by guys in button down shirts..." If he's your boyfriend of course he's going to want to dress to turn you on right?

Other than that, you really can't dictate what he wears unless it's formal like a wedding. He's going to wear what he's going to wear, and you're absolutely right... If you start nagging him about his clothes he will likely resent you for it.

Hey: this will sound gross but at least he showers. I've met plenty of guys who either don't.. Or just smell like they don't.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, you knew what his style was before you started dating him.. you can't just try to change him to fit your checklist better. He's 28 and if he wanted to dress better it's something he would have done a long time ago.

Best thing you can do, is buy him a nice shirt and tell him that you'd love it if he wore it out tonight and tell him how handsome he looks in it. Yes, this would still be trying to change him but this way you're not outright telling him "I hate your style" but rather giving small suggestions that he may or may not like in the future.

[Tarvold]

Nagging won't help, you'll just sound like his mother.

Try positive reinforcement instead. Next time he wears something nice, fuck him really really well, and keep talking about what it was he did throughout so he knows that he's getting laid as a direct result of dressing better. Start small. Good luck.

[MrOracle]

@Wondahwoman has the right idea - if you want ANY chance of getting a man to do something for you, you will increase your chances about 1000% by approaching it in a GOOD way, as she gave in her example, than if you nag and complain. When you nag, he's absolutely going to resist, and he's stronger than you are, and far more stubborn.

Ever heard that phrase: you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar? That means: if you want something, BE NICE and ASK SWEETLY and you stand a much better chance. But this only works if you do this from the start - it's usually too late to attack the same issue that way AFTER you've been negative.

Having said all that, you need to understand that when you meet a man and you commit to him, you are taking him AS IS. That does NOT mean that you get to keep the parts you like and make him change the parts you don't, it means you have to accept him AS IS, including accepting the parts you don't like. The ONLY time you have any real input is at the very start, when you choose whether to accept him as a package or move on and seek out a different man. Once you accept him, that's it. He MAY occasionally change - even if only temporarily - if you pick your battles (only ask him to change on rare occasions when it's REALLY important to you) and if you are very sweet and nice about it. You still need to realize that he'll be doing that for YOU, and that it's against his nature, and that even if he's willing to do it for you on occasion, he's going to go back to his nature the rest of the time.

Ultimately, there's probably no man on earth who is 100% everything you want, so do not let yourself believe that you're ever going to get everything - you won't. What you have to do is decide what's REALLY, REALLY important to you over the LONG TERM, and pick a man based on THOSE attributes - understanding that you can really only pick about 5 major attributes, and you're going to have to accept whatever else comes with that package, whether you like it or not. Hint: men have to do exactly the same thing.

[LiveFreeorDieHard]

Guess you just have to. let him be him. When you truly love someone, you love everything, the good with the bad. Just accept that he doesn't like to. be told how to dress and leave him be. Besides, if your friends know your boyfriend is like this, they probably won't care.

[msc545]

A few years ago, I was on the receivingf end of this. My SO at the time kept insisting that I dress differently and I was admittedly practically living in scrubs or blue jeans and t-shirts. It got to the point that I was so irritated with her constant nagging that I broke up with her. THAT solved it.

If she had stopped bothering me, I might have done some of what she wanted.

[Holywear26]

I believe men that lack self awareness and don’t participate in self care usually date Young because a mature older woman wouldn’t walk next to you looking like that.. now his comfort matters and most likely he’s purely dressing for comfort but you should find a fabric that is equally as comfortable as it is appealing to the eye And as long as it feels like his usual clothes I have no doubt he would be willing to wear those things..

[Anonymous]

Sounds like just a personality clash. He's not materialistic you are. If you can't accept him for who he is then you guys weren't meant to be.

[CountVronsky]

I agree with this. He's far less shallow than you are, girl, sorry to say that.

[CountVronsky]

Well, it depends, actually: because he is shallow if he only likes girls who dress up, and I guess you do dress up. Yeah, maybe he is even more shallow than you are.

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely didn't call her shallow.

[Asker]

Why are you guys so harsh, I'm not materialistic, I just want him to make more effort sometimes. You just don't get it.

[Asker]

@CountVronsky I don't dress up like heels, make up nails done and stuff. I'm just not in jeans and t-shirts the whole time.

[Opinion Owner]

Buy him some nice clothes from time to time. If you want him to change his appearance you're going to have to give him a few nudges.