Is my boyfriend extremely horrible and inconsiderate? Should he cancel? Messed up?

[Anonymous]

First, he got me pregnant and didn’t want to discuss about the topic. The first thing he asked was where to get the abortion. When he found out I might keep it became angry. He said really selfish and inconsiderate things to me like I will resent you if you let the kid born…I don’t want a beeping child…etc. Lucky for him that I got a miscarriage, and he was just so relieved from that he doesn’t care about my physical health. He then realized how big of jerk he was, apologized, and give him time to fix things.

Not long after, he randomly came to me and told me his friend paid flights/hotel to do some crazy adventure by himself for the weekend…an example, like purposely sleep near people with covid. We live together and he didn’t discuss with me at all. His friends didn’t just randomly did that…they asked him of he’s down and he just said yes excitedly. He purposely didn’t tell me on my birthday because he knew I would be upset. He decided to tell me today. I obviously got upset about it. I did tell him that everything adds up, and this would really add another damage to our relationship. How inconsiderate and selfish can you be for not even discussing this with me…and just do it. He understands and that it makes sense that I’m upset. But, He won’t back down and basically saying he will go. He value his friendship with his friend and cannot be disrespectful to this free trip. He does have the option to pay his friend back…but he rather go have fun and fix the relationship after. It’s very hard to say this but he rather me be upset, damaging the relationship, and go have his weekend. He also lied that his friends bought it without asking the dates. He actually told his friend which exact date.

Then he tried to play it cool and told me to just let this go and suck it up. And that this is only happening because of the pregnancy and miscarriage thing. On top of everything, he missed my dad’s birthday claiming he got the dates mixed up.

Yes

No

[Whislelowblow]

Yeah, the COVID thing is pretty. He doesn’t really care about your life and safety. What if you were pregnant and you got COVID. He seems a little selfish. Which I understand why he did something reckless like that. you two are locked in the house all day because of COVID and he must’ve just got really stress out. He probably hasn’t done anything fun in a while, but still you’re right, he should’ve told you about it. It might’ve been just a mistake he made. You have all the rights to be mad. But just try to claim down you’re really emotional right now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through with miscarriage and everything. I’m really sorry you feel like that.

[Asker]

It’s really terrible of him. He’s not locked in the house and we are not even in lockdown.

Even when I am I still can’t get pass of how he didn’t discuss the trip with me before going. We had a long argument last night. He even blamed me as the reason why he didn’t discuss it with me.

Even after acknowledging that I am so upset about this, and the one thing that can fix it is to cancel the trip. He can just tell his friends how I got pregnant, how poorly he reacted to it, made the relationship really rocky, and I didn’t discuss with her about this trip at all. It made her really upset because once again I got really inconsiderate. I appreciate it the free trip, but I can’t go and jeopardize the relationship. It was all my bad and I will pay for it financially. We can do this next year or something.

It was all his fault. He could of told his friends let me discuss it with her first… but he didn’t. I don’t feel bad at all and I don’t care if his friends finds out I was pregnant.

He ruined everything. Its quite shocking how he still wants to go and keep my anger and sadness going.

[Whislelowblow]

Damn, then that’s awful. He’s a real asshole and very selfish. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. You’re a strong girl and I’m sorry you had to deal with someone so selfish.

[Asker]

It’s not quite “just a mistake he made”. He knew he messed up, acknowledged my pain, and told me to just swallow it because he going.

He caused me to be very upset, he’s not in a good mood, and our relationship had been destroyed by him. What’s the point of fighting to go on this trip causing so much unhappiness? I am 100% sure if he goes… he would be going unhappy and not in a mood at this point. When he comes back, it’s going to be another fight because I would be extremely done with this relationship in complete disappointment.

If he doesn’t go, I’m so hurt by him it’s a complete turn off. How do you expect me to even want to have sex with again knowing how turn off he was with every? Especially with the pregnancy situation.

[Whislelowblow]

I take back what I said about him making a mistake. I’m truly sorry if I offended you.

[Whislelowblow]

Hello. Just wanted to check in with you. How’s everything going with you now?

[Asker]

We had a chat the next day. He basically agreed with everything I said and that he was not in his best mood… which caused him to have a hard time understanding why he was such a jerk.

I am obviously still mad and not okay with it. He said he will learn to work as a team, communicate properly, and be more considerate. He also told his friend what happened about the pregnancy situation, and how he was an asshole to me. It was also extremely inconsiderate of him for not discussing with me about the trip… and disrespectful missing my mom’s birthday. He told his friend he can’t go at this time, and the trip has to be postponed. When his buddy found out, he immediately told him it will be postponed and that what we’re going through is rough… and it’s not cool of what he did.

So I guess now I just have to see how it goes. One selfish/Inconsiderate thing he does he’s out.

I’m still not happy about it. It’s honestly not forgivable especially the pregnancy situation and how he reacted. I feel bad for myself.

[Whislelowblow]

Yeah, I know you were very emotional. Just be careful of any cynical manipulation that he might try while you’re emotional. And yes, you have all the rights to be angry at him. And I hope the next pregnancy will be a wonderful experience for you.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[horatiohornblower]

He sounds selfish. I'd certainly say to leave him.

More importantly. You want kids and he doesn't. That should end the relationship right there. That's also something you should make clear on the first date. The guy should also make clear that he wants kids. Not the maybe someday I'll want kids. An affirmative declaration he wants kids.

[Asker]

He told me he want kids in the beginning. It was not the right timing for him.

He is refusing to cancel the trip and told me to just take it. He knows I am very upset and heart-broken, and he think its completely understandable…but he still wants to go and fix the relationship after. He is in hope that I would be okay with it in a few days.

The truth is i am extremely not okay with it. A mature man would immediately know there’s nothing he can do but to cancel this selfish trip to save the situation… tell his friends sorry I really Appreciated it, but it I reacted really bad when my girlfriend got pregnant… and our relationship had been very rocky… on top of everything I never discussed about this trip with her and she got really upset because I was being inconsiderate. I can’t go this time, I will pay you back, and maybe next year we can do this. …this would be definitely the right thing to do. We are already having this huge fight about it, made me really upset, he’s destroying the relationship, no one is happy but him about this trip. What’s the point of going anymore?

Instead… he’s all like trying to convince me and just take it and let it go. He rather me be really upset about it. He might just buy her flowers or something and she would be okay with it when I come back.

Sigh what should I do?

[horatiohornblower]

How long have you been together?

[Asker]

2 years….

[Asker]

It’s really bad. He could of tell his friends let me discuss with my girlfriend first. Instead, he decided that it’s probably not something she wants to hear, but I want to do this…so let me hide from her for now and tell her after everything has been settled with my friends. Like WOW

[horatiohornblower]

How he acted about the pregnancy, news of miscarriage and now are all selfish. I'd still say to leave him.

It's been two years. That's enough time to decide if he wants children and marriage with you. His actions indicate he most definitely does not want children with you. Demanding to go on this is like he is celebrating his freedom

I don't want to sound insensitive. Given your recent loss. I just want you to think about your situation objectively. So, please don't think I'm trying to be mean.

Since you want kids. If you are 33 the clock is ticking. Chances of conceiving go down rapidly by the year. Getting pregnant will be more difficult and chances of a healthy and easy pregnancy go down. If he's not on board. You really need to move on.

Because it could take another two years to get to the point of marriage. Then another year or two of trying before having a kid. While women in their late 30's and early 40's have children. It's generally far more difficult and the level of difficulty raises rapidly every year.
- Higher risks of preeclampsia and birth defects.
- At 26 there is an 8% chance you won't conceive in the first year at 35 it's an 18% chance.
- At 25 there is a 1 in 1,200 chance of down syndrome at 35 it is 1 in 350.
- At 40 all this is much worse

By all means let him know this too. Maybe he still thinks of himself as a guy in his 20's. He may not understand the time issues for you. But I don't think he cares about any of that. He just wants to be free.

Him wanting to put it off to next year is just a delay tactic. He'd probably let it keep dragging on for years until you leave. You can give him a deadline of the end of December. To either propose or call it quits. With a short engagement and to start trying for children once married. But there needs to be a short window before you say enough is enough.

[Asker]

I am not sure if I want a kid. But if I GOT PREGNANT i really have no reason to have an abortion, and that I would of kept it!

I’m just really upset and disappointed right now to the point I can’t even look at him. I still cannot believe once again didn’t discuss it with it… and on purpose. Now, he’s just hoping I would be okay to swallow how selfish and considerate again…and him refusing to even just postpone it. He’s absolutely hopeless guys. I’m completely devastated.

[molonski2]

I tend to agree with him , your hormones are probably racing thats fine and it will do you good to have a weekend on your own , let him go and have the fun experience , dont overreact , and obviously be more careful next time.
But , you are overstating it , and you are upset over nothing.

[Asker]

I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. Im not pregnant anymore. You don’t find him extremely inconsiderate for not even discussing with me first? Its covid too

[molonski2]

Look , he could have discussed it , but he thought you were at a low ebb , so I dont think he wanted to upset you. On return from the trip , he possibly should have a Covid test , but its just an adventure trip , Covid is everywhere , its been all around me , the trip does sound like fun , and his mate purchased the ticket :)

[all_hayl]

Assuming that what you say is 100% accurate… Frankly, you sound like the crazy/idiotic one for settling for such a selfish prick. Own your part of it. Based on what you shared, he’s selfish prick; however, you’re making the choices to stay with him. That’s on you. Have the courage to move on. Otherwise, you’re only getting what you’ve agreed to and settled for.

[slatyb]

Is he the last man on your planet? Get the hell out. What more do you need to know?

[Anonymous]

So why is he YOUR boyfriend again?