Should I tell my wife I cheated on her?

[Anonymous]

My coworker and I spend a lot of time together due to our job. She’s married with kids as well. Innocent chat turned into laughter which turned into texting. We ended up having sex recently. The thought of being with another woman overpowered me. I’ve only been with my wife while she’s had her fun with multiple different men. I guess deep down I was jealous that she had a “hoe phase” while I didn’t. There aren’t words to describe how low I feel. I cheated on my wife, my best friend and the mother of our 2 kids. I feel like if I don’t tell her I’d be living a lie but if I do I would hurt her. Maybe she doesn’t need to find out. I feel like this is the best thing for all involved. I would just cut contact with my coworker. Any advice?

[ilikesnow]

cheating on your wife is wrong in so many ways. if you want a chance to still stay with her, you MUST tell your co worker that the sex meant ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (even if it meant something) so she won’t approach you in that way again.


next, you can decide whether you should tell your wife or not. i think it’s best if you tell her because keeping secrets from each other is a big red flag. i suggest writing your wife a letter, because if i was in her situation i would not listen to anything you have to say after you say ‘i cheated on you’. so, if you write a letter there is a higher chance that she’ll read it.


in the letter you must use the right way to convey your feelings, don’t say: ‘i’m sorry i cheated on you, i won't do it again’ because it sounds kinda fake, instead you should say: ‘i’m so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry i cheated on you, it was because [insert reason], i wasn't thinking straight and i regret it 1000%. you have my word that i will never do it again, and i hope you forgive me, i’ll give you some time to process it..’ TBH I don't know IM JUST A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL 😭 then i guess sign off with a: love, [your name]

[loveslongnails]

You're correct. You're 17, and I can remember being that age and embracing the same ideals about love. However, life has taught me many lessons. Your reasoning within this apology gets countered simply like this :
*** " i wasn't thinking straight" - obviously.
*** "and i regret it 1000%" - good for you. Am I supposed to be impressed that you finally feel guilty enough and want to relieve your guilt and be absolved?
** you have my word that i will never do it again" --- I had your word that you wouldn't do it in the FIRST place, remember? It was called a marriage vow. I believed it then and you lied. What's going to be different moving forward?
* and i hope you forgive me -- Why? What's in it for me? Let's say I DO forgive you - that doesn't mean I want to live with you anymore.

[ilikesnow]

@loveslongnails okay well at least i tried to help, great suggestions!!!

[loveslongnails]

I know, and you did great !! It's just that you haven't yet experienced the scenarios that people go through when cheating and infidelity take place.

[marish01]

@loveslongnails lol someone who fucks around and whose SO gets fucked by others teaches life lessons to a teen.

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 Well, you certainly can't give advice when it comes to anything sexual, or how life happens in the real world, with real marriages, can you? Have you ever even been affectionate with a man? Done anything more than held hands, IF THAT? What experience or knowledge do you possess about real life intimacy?

[marish01]

@loveslongnails my morals analytical thinking, values and lack of emotional baggage alone will help me be happy in marriage.
Not being fucked is only an advantage not a disadvantage.

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 And it's fine that you believe it to be so, but you won't know that until it's tested and you're married. As you have no prospects for that at this time, it will take a while to put that to the test. Clearly, you believe that morals are strictly linear, and that's how you would advise someone.
I don't mock you for giving such advice, but I DO point out that you have NO relevant, actual experience on certain subjects.

Nor did you answer the questions in my past post, which is of course, your prerogative, but until you can state otherwise, I will presume you have absolutely no "physical" experience on the subject of affection, correct?

[marish01]

@loveslongnails whom should I advise?
Tell me the type of person. Is it a slut or a normal person?

[marish01]

@loveslongnails you are hinting that if I ever have a real life intimacy my views on sexual morals might change.

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 Advise anyone you like - you were the one who mocked me for giving advice because you judge me to be amoral, based on your values.

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 I am not hinting anything, I'm saying is that experiencing ANYTHING directly will is extremely likely to have some effect on a person. It may change your perspective, or it may do nothing. That's just common sense, and it's called "living". Some people believe "Experiences change everything". They may be correct.

Since you love anecdotes, and this is a subject that's not evidence based at all, I'll give you a perfect example. I know a woman who wanted 2 or 3 kids. She had a rough pregnancy, and a rough childbirth. After it was all over, she told her husband " I am NEVER going through that again. You want another kid, we can adopt". Experience changed EVERYTHING.

[marish01]

@loveslongnails do you admit that you are hinting that when i get married I might decide to cheat or become poly?

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 Fuck no, I've never hinted nor implied that. Why would I admit to that? You once maintained that if your husband died on your honeymoon, you'd never fuck another man again!! Why would I hint at what you're accusing me of? LOL

You can tell me you'll never do something like kill a person for no reason and I'd believe you. But you can't tell me you'd never kill a person for "some" reason.

[marish01]

@loveslongnails
I still confirm I would give consent to only one human being (my husband).
What was your purpose of bringing up cases where people change their minds or decisions if it's not for implying that I might change my mibd regarding of my decisions about who to have sex with and when?

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 I don't know what you're reading from, but I didn't mention anything in THIS thread about people changing their minds. I gave a perspective to a 17 yr old who has no real life experience on the subject, and neither do you. Then you popped in with your moral judgment.

Then you sidestep a point, like you usually do, with a non-answer - " I still confirm I would give consent to only one human being (my husband)." Yes, we know that. And what I said to that, and I quote was: " You once maintained that if your husband died on your honeymoon, you'd never fuck another man again!!" What I didn't include was that you also said you'd not re-marry, so the point becomes moot.

I've said what I wanted to this young girl, she replied in thanks. I've no reason to debate with you about this question. Have a great day.

[marish01]

@loveslongnails you did bring up my personal life
"Have you ever even been affectionate with a man? Done anything more than held hands, IF THAT? What experience or knowledge do you possess about real life intimacy?
I will presume you have absolutely no "physical" experience on the subject of affection, correct?"

[loveslongnails]

@marish01 That's right, as it relates to the question of your EXPERIENCE or knowledge of actual physical intimacy for the purposes of answering the question. Where in that do you find this:
" do you admit that you are hinting that when i get married I might decide to cheat or become poly?"

Rhetorical question - the answer is "it's not there, nor is it implied". Moving on.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy, here comes the righteousness led by "she deserves to know the truth", fueled by your own guilt that you'd be "living a lie for the rest of your life". Right now, you're probably beating yourself up plenty for something you can't undo. Ok, so you fucked up royally. It's a one-off and won't happen again, right? Is there any point in blowing up your marriage, your family, risking divorce or maybe worse -- NOT divorcing and having to live with her never trusting you again for ANYTHING at all, and feeling her loathing you for the rest of your life?

You want to alleviate your guilt? Go talk to your God, or your religious leader, or your therapist. There's absolutely zero upside to telling your wife. Do you expect her to say "oh honey, I understand. You just wanted to have some fun NOW like I did in college. I totally get it. Don't give it another thought."

And here's another hard lesson - your wife is not your best friend. That's a myth. If wives actually were your best friends, you could tell them this stuff and it wouldn't change anything, so that's bullshit. Stop thinking she is, she's your wife and mother of your kids, not your best friend.

Some things need to be taken to the grave, and this is one of them. Don't fuck things up again.

[Guy13]

I am hearing the loss of a higher Moral ground and Pride driving this post. If keeping your cheating secret works for you then who are we to demand that you do otherwise. How many times did your wife cheat before she told you? Did you feel a chasm of distance or emotional unavailability between during that span of time?

Since it is Trust that holds relationship together and you know about your wife's cheating, should you not in turn Trust that she can handle the betrayal as you have all these years? How does one repair or rebuild something that is unknown by both parties

[Anonymous]

Honestly you should probably tell her as soon as possible. You should apologize and make sure to not say stupid things when having a conversation about it like “she meant nothing” because she will know that she meant enough for you to cheat on her.

Also remember to not blame your decisions on her past it’s not right and she didn’t even know you existed at the time. Im 75% sure that your outcome will most likely be a divorce. As you were unfaithful to her. It is better though to tell her as soon as possible as it can just hurt more when you tell her later on in life. Since she will believe the rest of her life after you cheated on her was a lie.

Since you mentioned having kids they will most likely dislike you after finding out, and your relationship with them can be damaged. As I had a mother who cheated on my father and it had taken me a decade to forgive her for the heartbreak she caused him.

I’m sorry to say but your situation is doomed to lead to misfortune. Besides even if you choose not to confess someway or another she will find out. And if she doesn’t find out you will most likely live with the guilt which can become unbearable.

[Aerissa_Jade]

This is pretty typical, guys tell me it is not big deal that I have more partners than they do and later on I find out they cheated. Often trying to balance their numbers with mine or catch up.

It is not up to random strangers to tell you what to do, it is up to you. Can you look at her and be okay or are you going to live a lie?

Are you going to cheat again, to try to go beyond 2 in your life, if she had a hoe phase and might have a dozen or more, you going to try and catch up to her?

Are you still going to be jealous?

These are questions you need to ask yourself to decide what you want to do.

If you had no kids I'd say definitely tell her and end it and both of you start over, but your wife is not the only one that would get hurt by confessing the children will too.

[AviatorTom]

Sounds like you feel bad about cheating and will not do it again. In that case, I would not tell her... that will only get her upset and g=damage your relationship. If she somehow finds out, then come clean and tell her why you cheated and why you didn't tell her.

[SteveSmith1985]

You should tell her. If I were in her shoes, not telling me would be unforgiveable. Not telling her, to me, makes you cheating a million times worse. If you love your wife, you owe it to her not to keep this from her.

[OfMiceandMen]

My advice, you shouldn't have gone there in the first place. You just ruined your marriage. You can try to hide it, but it will likely eat away at conscience until you eventually tell her.

Since you made the decision to cheat, I think you should go back and grovel at her feet and beg her not to leave you.

The cutting off the coworker part should be automatic. If you care about your wife and kids at all.

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for someone who cheats. To me it is a deal breaker, I hope your wife is more forgiving.

[xHoneyxBeex]

She'll be hurt more if she finds out some other way... and believe me, the truth always comes out. She will still be hurt when you tell her but being honest is the respectful thing to do. Then, as difficult as it may be, you have to allow her to deal with that pain any way she needs to. She will need time to decide how she wants to move forward with you, if at all.

And if that sounds terrifying to you, it's MUCH more terrifying to put your trust into your spouse and have them betray that trust. Your actions will likely affect her beliefs about herself, men, relationships, everything. Cheating affects all aspects of a relationship... but that's a consequence of an action you chose to take and she is the unfortunate victim of that action. All you can do now is be an adult and take responsibility for your decisions.

[XHopelessRomanticX]

I’m sure you feel terrible, and I’m sure you want others to feel sorry for you too…but I don’t feel sorry for you. You may have been jealous of your wife’s history, but the actions of her past do not justify the actions of your present.
There’s a saying, “What happens in the dark eventually comes to light.” Whatever you decide to do, I’m fairly certain your infidelity will be found out.
But there is still hope. It is important to remember that marital infidelity, like all sins, can be forgiven. You are not beyond the reach of God’s grace. The road to restoration is long and painful. Your wife may forgive you, or she might not. It’s best to respect her decision whatever it may be when the time comes.

[lightbulb27]

I have no idea, you made a mess as did the other woman. I guess you discovered some core values and it may depend upon your relationship with her what is best.

My first thought is to get checked out for std asap. then be done with it and put it into the "I owe my wife a lot" bank and it's in the past. That way, if she screws up, has needs, you have extra grace to give. If she needs extra patience, you've got plenty. Pray for forgiveness from your God.

Asking humans for forgiveness is really hard... what the heck would it mean if you confess? It's a threat and says you're stupid and weak. That gives her no security.

I guess I'm saying try to turn the lemon into lemonaide. The risk of course is discovery and then it is what it is and you deal with it like an adult and you probably go to the dry cleaners...

Ditch the other woman and consider changing jobs.

[lightbulb27]

the other woman is concerning, stay away from that type. It may work for her, it doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to these people. If you love your wife, you won't tell her.
If you tell her or she finds out, it will destroy her.
Everyone claiming honesty being the best policy doesn't give a shit about you, her, your kids or your marriage.

Go ahead and tell her. Then have fun watching her absolutely shattered heart try to figure out whether to leave you, or stay in a loveless broken marriage and try to hide from her children the fact that their dad is dirty rotten cheater and hurt mommy really bad.

As long as it's over between you and your mistress, there's no point in taking the knife you stuck into her back and driving it into her heart too.
Some secrets are better left kept.


(If this sounds judgmental towards you, it's not meant to be. I've cheated too and I'm just as dirty and rotten as you are my friend)

[Sasha0426]

Why do people like you and him exist? Why do you like hurting people?

[D_Bone_Steak]

I usually fear anons... but you hit the nail on the head.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks partner
Never fear. A non-trolling anon is here!

[exitseven]

Okay- you can look at this two ways. One way is to tell her. You may end your marriage, cause your kids to grow up in a broken home and maybe cause lasting financial difficulty for your family. You will hurt your wife and your lives will never be the same.

Or if you are truly remorseful you can keep it a secret and try and pretend it did not happen. I am assuming your wife had her hoe phase before you were married.

Everyone can make a mistake and sometimes there are conditions when you do something that you never thought you would ever do.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Dude... I've banged like 13 different chicks my wife don't need to find out about. Just don't fucking tell her so you have to deal with her stupid feelings and shit. Women do that shit all the time, so women deserve it when they get a dose of their own medicine.

[Amy10223]

I don't understand how your wife, your best friend, has had her share of different men. Do tyou mean to say this was while she was married to you, or while she was single? What do you think her reaction would be if you told her? While I think it would relieve you of guilt feelings, but in the lng run, if you intend to keep your wife and your marriage- and forget about the other woman--I would not tell her.

[TrueConfection]

You not only cheated on your wife, but you cheated on your children too! What did they do to you? Your children were innocent bystanders. You should have told your wife that you had some resentment about her sexual past. Maybe she should have kept her past a secret from you?

[devilish-cutie]

you should tell her, lies have the weight you'll always have to carry and one way or another will get to you and will weight on your relationship either way

Just be honest, regretful and tell you exactly as here why you did it and how you feel

[loveslongnails]

And this will accomplish what, do tell me?

[devilish-cutie]

Clear and free mind, it will make or break their relationship cause if you hide things from your partner that weights and as i said one way or another will weight on the relationship as you cannot actually hide for long anything that big from someone you are in reltionaship with. if there is no trust cracks will show. Whenever you push something it comes back in uglier ways

[FreyaRed]

If she cheated on you already (as far I understand) I wouldn't brag with it. Even if it comes out and she asks, you can tell her a fairy tale of your wish for relationship stability etc. It's not so, you break her heart since she cheated before.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

There's a HUGE difference. She had her "hoe phase" BEFORE you married and if you didn't like it guess what, you NEVER should've gotten married.

Your problem is, is after you get over this event you'll do it again.

It's already in your psychology/mindset that it is "unfair" your wife got to have her "fun" and you didn't. If wasn't the case you wouldn't have included bit about being jealous.

[Anemone978]

I understand you had the yearning to explore because you didn't live out the hoe phase in your younger days and your wife did... but to be honest once the trust is broken it is forever broken... So do you really want to cause that pain and trouble in your family? If you honestly learned your lesson and are going to cut the girl out of your life, I would say don't tell her. And just make sure you never get close to a female like that again because it isn't fair to your wife.

[Wade12345]

confess it to God first of all. Then tell your coworker you are a married man and love your wife.

Don't tell your wife unless she figures it out, but don't deny it either if she asks you about it. there is no point causing more harm than you already have.

[Anonymous]

You should keep fucking your co-worker and wait till she does something flirty at work. When she does something that can be considered over the line you can report her and get her fired. After that if she tries to expose the affair which she may not out of fear of her own marriage, you can just accuse her of lying for getting her fired.

Bunch of extra sex with a different woman other than your wife and a good chance of completely getting away with it and no risk to your job. Big win

[Anonymous]

She had a “hoe phase” before she knew you or was even with you. She was single and Single people can have sex all they like with whoever they like. Her life before you have nothing to do with you so using it to justify your cheating is quite crappy. I am pretty sure you won’t tell her you’re a cheating pos but I really hope she finds out and divorces you. Goodluck to her !

[Anonymous]

What is done is done
What’s the point of telling it?
Unless you are planning to continue the relationship with this co- worker than yeah tell her.
But once in your lifetime mistake? Maybe for the sake of your family let it go.. Elsa isn’t stupid