Do you get upset about the little things in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I notice I definitely get hurt and upset quite too easily when it comes to my boyfriend and i hate it so much. The more comfortable i am with him the less i feel like hiding how i feel which i also dont like. I end up dwelling on these little things that hurt me and mostly dont open up about it so i let it go sometimes and randomly it crosses my mind again and again, or i just get upset and not tell him shit because i know how dumb it would sound. I notice my boyfriend is very logical and dont take things as personally as i do. How do I become more like him? Any advice? Is it self esteem issues that i have to work on? Or something else thats wrong with me?

Updates

8 mo

I can't really say what the “little things” are for those who asked. I kind of dont wanna be judged, which i see is pretty common on this site. I appreciate all of the thoughts shared, though, i will be working on my issues. My boyfriend is pretty patient with me and he’s understanding. He teaches me to open up more and he always tries to make me happy.

Updates

8 mo

We just started being in a long distance situation. He’s in the army and had to move pretty far for 2 years. We can't talk for the next 2 weeks because he’ll be in some sort of training in the wilderness. We plan on seeing each other every month, but yeah i guess being far away from him started off being so hard for me but like i said i will be working on it. Some of you are right too, im sure i have those little things that he finds annoying but he still loves me. I just have to remember that.

[MrOracle]

Here's something you probably don't know yet, but need to know:

No matter who you are with, EVERYONE is going to do a few things that you don't like. Those things will be different from person to person, but they're all going to have some things about them that aren't what you want. And just the same, YOU are going to have things about you that aren't what THEY want.

The thing about a relationship is that you are dealing with two complete, independent people with different experiences and priorities and who were raised differently, so even if your values are very similar, there will still be a few things here and there where you will be different.

What you have to ask yourself is: is your partner doing these things intentionally to hurt you, or are they doing them just because they aren't accustomed to those things being a priority? If it's the latter, you're going to have to let most of them go. If your guy leaves his box of cereal out, or throws his socks on the floor, or whatever minor thing, it's almost certainly NOT because he knows it drives you crazy, but because he's late, or exhausted, and because in his mind, it's hot a huge deal and he'll eventually get to it (even if he never does). So, now, again, you have to ask yourself: is it really worth expending all of the energy and emotions to be upset about it all the time, or is it just FAR faster and easier to put the cereal away or pick up the socks yourself, and just LET IT GO. Which one will make you calmer and happier in the long run?

And realize that he's likely doing exactly the same thing with the things about you that he doesn't like: he's just dealing with it and not making it a big issue. Maybe you want to talk about your day for half an hour when he gets home - I promise you that 80% of what you are sharing with him, he isn't interested in, but he'll listen to you because he knows it makes you happy. When he's ready to go and you are still in your closet trying on the 9th outfit because you can't decide what to wear, he could get upset, but instead he turns the TV on and sits down, because it isn't worth an argument. When you are going out for food and you shoot down 9 different choices, but can't offer a choice, and he's frustrated, he sucks it up and deals with it, because he knows it's not worth fighting over. Or whatever - maybe you don't do these specific things, but there are things you do that frustrate him, but he just deals with them, because THAT'S WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS. For everyone. It means accepting your partner, flaws and all.

[Finchie40]

Best advice I can give you cuz it helped me as well is You have to learn how to be grateful for the things that you have in front of you the things you earned and achieved and the things that truly matter to you , do not waste your time dwelling on things that you really have no control over or things that you don’t have. when we focus on things that we don’t have no control over , and things we don’t have in front of us , that we think we need to be happy , is what fills the Negative energy inside yourself. Life is too short to be constantly dwelling over things that we have no control over , Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend and focus as to why things don’t really bother him as much as they do to you. Your boyfriend is probably your key to happiness because he doesn’t give a fuck about the little things , He can only handle the things that comes in his path , so If you love your boyfriend , focus on your relationship with him and do not care about anything else , Appreciate the fact that you have a boyfriend that is choosing to stand by your side , and realize you are lucky to have someone that wants you the same way you should want them by choosing him as well, don’t focus on anything else, Focus on how the both of you can live a happy content life together , Have more sex together, go places together , plan dates , don’t compare yourself to other people, comparing yourself to others is negative energy , again shit you have no control over , it should be you and your boyfriend vs the world , if you want to be happy and you want to experience true love focus on what you have in front of you , start distancing yourself from social media , social media will fill your head with nonsense , shit that shouldn’t matter to you , distance yourself from people that try to bring you down to their level that judge you or criticize you or that judge and criticize your boyfriend , If a friend is talking shit on you or your boyfriend? Understand they are not a friend period , surround yourself with people that support you that accept you and your relationship , stay clear from as much negativity that you can , There is so much negativity around us these days and social media is a top source of that shit , so only focus on what you can control and focus on what you have right in front of you , only you can do that nobody else.

[jennifer_bloom]

One thing that angers me more frequently than anything else is a bad attitude. There are polite ways to get your point across in any and every situation you are in so anybody who talks to somebody else like they are an animal or insect when the talker's expectations aren't met deserves to be punished. I don't punish them cause I don't want consequences but I do hate them when I see them verbally abusing people in unnecessary and cruel ways. I treat my mom like a stranger and not like a family member because of her constant and never ending verbal abuse and her jealous lies about me and every other female that is luckier or smarter or better looking or richer or more popular or happier or younger then her.

[Anemone978]

Yes but after being with someone for so long.. you got to let that stuff go because you will just make yourself miserable.. just focus on what they do that makes you happy.. and if they ignore you use that time to do something productive for yourself.. No one will ever make you completely happy.. only you can make yourself happy. I learned don't focus so much on them, keep yourself in first place just how he keeps himself in first place... things should go much smoother for you..

[DaveJord]

You know this is thin line honestly. So, to me sometimes the little things mean the most. Because it's the little things that are easiest things, we could do for someone on a day-to-day basis, that make the biggest difference in our lives.

See there will be major life events, and changes. There will be big deal problems, that are not easily resolved. When comes to the big things, we have a lot less control over those things. We are limited on what you can actually do about these big ticket. items.

But the little things, I mean we could make those changes and do those things for another person if we really wanted to. We do not expect them to do things automatically, but over time we expect them to be understanding about them and care in the things they say and do.

I think most people do not make a big deal about the little things in the beginning, because any one thing by itself is not a big deal. But over time all these little things can add up to bigger things. So yes, you should be communicating these things to your SO before it blows up into something bigger. Sure, that make put strain on the relationship, but not talking about them and keeping it yourself, trust me it will build up over time and when you do pop, it will be traumatic and potentially devasting.

[DaveJord]

Now I forgot to add... for me I can look past some little things and deal with it on an individual basis. Until she starts talking about the little things, I do that she would like for me to address. Which I am more than willing to do together with her. But when he brings up his little things to you, you need to be prepared to address those things.

A guy like me does not expect a woman to change for me, she was who she was when I started dating her. So, once she starts wanting to address the little things, that conversation can resolve into other things. There is give and take that has to take place, so if you want to him to do things for you, then you need to be prepared for when and if he comes back to you about the little things about you.

[Avicenna]

No, I do not let little stuff torpedo a relationship. It's something you can fix though.

[Pinay_ako]

Yes over some stupid minor things.

[ohsheeT]

Well is it more about control who's controlling who because that's what it kind of sounds like to me

Every given situation is different followers will argue leaders will see the big picture and say well that sounds good but what about this we can change this to that and let's do it that way instead of arguing about it there is no wrong or right

And if there's a better way say it but if it's just simply because you don't like to be told what to do or he doesn't like to be told what to do I understand that then you have to speak about that problem first

You're probably used to doing things on your own so you want it done your way and same with him but when you're with somebody you have to listen to both sides and not weigh it out who's right who's wrong you weigh it out on what's best for both

If you think about it look how many arguments you've been into since you've been together how piddly and how much nonsense and how much arguing you go through just because of something so stupid so small it's almost like each other's looking for a fight instead of helping each other with whatever the problem is you clash and that's just not right sooner or later you'll get so tired of it it'll be the end

[lightbulb27]

What's going on is very unhealthy and you are wise to recognize and start working on it. I've seen more than one woman do this... it's generally women, and seems related to perfectionism, control. I'd wonder what you saw as a child that impacted you or disturbed you and how you went about gaining control to feel safe. Some of this is personality and some of it would be your emotional experiences/trauma. What you have is an emotional sub conscious response to something going on... and to get control you need to breathe and slow down and rethink. It will be hard. Your personality may be one that is more sensitive... you may be highly sensitive person (look it up to find out). To sound, light etc.. That be genetic traits passed on, trauma in life... in effect you have an undeveloped part of your brain and less stress response. All things you can learn and overcome.

Some little things are big things in hiding. When it happens I try to reframe the issue... how big is it, how critical in the moment... how important is it. Do I make mistakes and need to work on myself? How can I/we communicate better.

Try raising teenagers that don't pay attention due to eyes on screens and thinking about teenage problems and everything needs repeated 10 times to stick. Frustrating... reality. And any human needs repetition to change behavior and that's after they recognize and decide they want to... so many don't want to.

Sometimes I do and I think that's human. I heard the excuse "I divorced husband because he wouldn't close the cabinet doors". Obviously that's not the only reason and painbuilt up over time... but little things done over and over can drive a person nuts. That's the essence of "Chinese water torture" or gaslighting. It can feel very painful.

[Anonymous]

Um not the little things specifically lol but if you have repeatedly asked or brought to the attention of the other person the same little things then it can be annoying. But also sometimes I get annoyed when his ass chews too so 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣🤣 it just depends lol with a long term relationship man it's another beast!

Healthy communication can get you through any issue. But if y'all are incapable to get a word in.. then each keep a journal and pass it off on a certain day and go separate ways read it and reflect and respond. Til you can come to an understanding. Without like name calling and stuffs. Bc the worst thing about an argument or a difference in a relationship is to get talking off topic lol or saying some shit you didn't mean. Ugh then you doing that for a while lol. Completely forgot the original concern. 🤦🏽‍♀️. Then one or both walk away. Lol then you completely give up and just eat snacks in bed and have sex and cuddle fall asleep... Lol then it's continual argument bc nothing got resolved.

Maybe there is something that hadn't been resolved. I'm not going to lie I read the first part of the?

[Peter_Penetrator]

For those that have been in physical, emotional or psychological abusive relationships the small shit don’t mean shit.


If a wife or girlfriend complains about her significant other leaving his dirty underwear on the floor, or a husband or boyfriend complains that his significant other has put on weight recently, are very fortunate to have such petty issues to live with.


But yes, for some, the little things do add up. It is up to each other to be considerate of the others feelings. Each of you need to recognize you should appreciate them do to the fact that things could be worse.

[Asker]

My boyfriend have shared to me how he’s had a very bad childhood. A lot of getting bullied, physical fights, being hated by girls, and how no one was there for him. You are right, for someone who had gone through a lot the little things dont bother them. My boyfriend is that person.. but yeah i also know how stupid i can be with the little things. I should think about what you said more often.

[Peter_Penetrator]

It isn’t so much how a person grew up. It is more about how a person’s previous marriage/relationship affected someone.

My experiences growing up didn’t have any effect on my last marriage. But what l lived through for 18 years with my ex wife will make the little things in my next relationship just that, little.

Example, a woman l met recently, displayed empathy towards me. Now l am hooked. That is all it took.

That alone speaks volumes about her personality. If it turns out she farts in her sleep, oh well.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Now being apart for two years, that isn’t a small thing.

[Asker]

Its not.. i dont blame him for it though. He asked me to move with him but i wasn't ready for it.

[Peter_Penetrator]

It will be hard being apart that long and you will actually miss his little annoying traits.

So stay strong. 💪

[ZamerZ]

I mean, it depends on the definition of "little things" and what both of you consider as such. My ex complained that I always called him out for not doing his part of the chores - like doing the dishes, he considered that a minor thing that wasn't important. The thing is we only had a small kitchenette and barely any space, dishes to use and pots. If none of those were clean I wasn't able to cook. So, for me it wasn't a minor thing bc this was consistent for over a year that I got increasingly more upset over it. That wasn't a little thing for me, it was a pattern.

Communication is key. But if your boyfriend isn't amenable for your more emotional view on things, it can be very difficult to find a common ground and work things out.

[Chevy1_kb]

naw but my ex use to if i dropped my brush he would pure moan at me or if i spilled a ashtray in his room by accident wich Is easy cleaned with a brush shovel and if i was walking around his bed to go to toilet because of the at his tv was put side ways i hit off it a tiny little bit he would pure moan watch what ure doing am like calm doon nae need for the attitude and nippy reply over something so stupid this is why we never got on because there was always arguments about all diffrent things whenever I would visit and his mum was pure pissed off was it aswel a felt like a was in a trap in his house had to walk carefully about his house had to make sure a was tip toeing near things not my type a guy noo where just do buddies a prefer that rather than in a relashionship so does he so fuck him it's his fault

[Kabluie]

Your boyfriend sounds like me. There are a lot of things in life that can tip our annoyance scale, but if you get too attentive, pushy, or upset over the 1-4s versus say the 6-9s on the higher end of the scale, it'll drain your emotional health. So spending too much time and getting tacky over small things isn't worth the effort. Like for example, is it because you caught them biting their nail? You're likely not going to change that.

But if it's constant or bothersome there are ways to release and open up for the mid-to-high things. Just open up when it won't interrupt the moment. That's a big one, there is a time and place for tacky things.

[curlyfirecracker]

Yes, earlier on, very much so. Especially if you are long distance. It eases as time passes and his constant, unwavering and understanding presence makes it easier for you to relax and grow. You are uniquely you. You are also quite mature to see the big picture in your frustrations and possible nonsense. I wouldn't say anything is wrong with you. The rest will come with time as you age and gain more experience.

[lorenzomichael]

No way not even. Because it's better not to sweat the little things. Because they're just little things that could turn into big things and fuck up the whole relationship. And over what? So you need to weigh the pros and cons. If you have something to talk about with your partner make sure that whatever they say to you in regard to that issue won't upset you. This way you guys are both communicating it just doesn't end up in a fight, we're both of you are upset with one another over some little bullshit.

[Miristheiss]

Sometimes.

Why?

Because after it has happened for 10 years straight and it is the 1,500th time it's occurred you go from level 1 straight to level 8 anger/frustration to where at the start of the relationship when it was a new issue you went from level 1 to level 1.5.

If a mate keeps doing the same annoying things... your patience flies out the window.

[Ukrainianbuddafly]

I use to get upset over things that were (and are) big for me but small in the grand scheme if that makes sense. Basically learn to compromise and pick your battles, nothing will ever be perfect. I'm happier and get in less arguments now that I have no expectations.

[molonski2]

Its your own confidence or lack there of I'd say you really are " sweating the small stuff " this situation is destined for failure unless you get some assistance , rather than advice from strangers you need to see a psychologist if you wish to somehow have long term success , otherwise you just have to let it go , he is the logical one , as is often the case,

Good Luck..

[CubsterShura]

Honestly as someone who always struggled with communicating her needs and wants, I understand where you're coming from.

I realized that I'd rather talk about something and let it off my chest while it is still "small" and solvable, and not just hold it in and let it snowball into something big then start resenting him.

[ta-ra]

I don't get mad over little things unless they are aimed to cause a reaction. Like saying something that they know bothers me. If they are taking a jab at me over a past mistake or poking fun at an insecurity of mine then yes I will lash out. But if it's dumb, petty stuff no, not at all. I'll usually join in on the banter.

[petitedollbabee]

If you’re getting that upset about these things, then there’s nothing “little” about them. Therapy would be worthwhile, and communicating with your boyfriend about these things. Even if you think these things sound dumb to get upset over, you should still talk to him about them. Maybe he can give you some advice, or comfort you and give you reassurance. If you can’t share everything with your partner then what’s the point in being with him if you’re having to hide things?

[peedy]

No
I dont even get upset over major things getting upset isn't worth it letting your emotions get the better of you is never a good thing a person doesn't think things through and make the best decision when they're mad/upset use your head dont lose it

[sheenagwapa]

don't hide it because it will cause just like one guy's comment or lead to resentment. i honestly cannot comprehend hoe can other people fake it to this i mean go on with their life and can even be sweet to their SO ( this applies regardless of gender) but hate the person so much. isn't that what happened to crimes like that one guy who killed his wife and those poor little girld. the most dangerous people are the ones who fake it