What am I doing wrong?

[NuggetMan]

I am not sure what I am doing wrong. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids. Everything was great until she started working at her new sales job/career (commission only). She started distancing herself by not showing any affection, intimacy to a minimum of once a month, and not showing any drive to participate in our relationship/marriage.

I know this sounds self centered or something, but I don’t feel respected at home or by her. I bring home a stable income that is good working about 130hrs a paycheck (Bi-weekly), where she only gets paid maybe every other month. I’ve spent countless times cleaning the whole house by myself, organizing, laundry so her and the kids have clean clothes all within the work week while she goes to appointments and dinners with clients/vendors. She’s home a lot more than me. She also does not listen to me at all if I have an idea or need something done. It just seems like I am never a priority to her. I make countless efforts to do date nights, show affection and love, chores, play with the kids, etc.

We have gone to a marriage counselor, but the only thing that really came from it was “once I get through all the things I have to do in a day I just don’t have time left…. for you”

I just don’t know what I am doing wrong as a husband and a man. Most days I just feel like I can’t keep going.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang bro, that's a tough situation. From the sounds of it, you're really not doing anything wrong - this is more of an issue with how your wife is prioritizing work over the relationship.

When a career change starts taking someone away emotionally like that, it can really damage things at home. And it's understandable why you'd be feeling disrespected and unappreciated too, when you're holding down the household and she doesn't seem to value your efforts.

Have you tried having a serious heart-to-heart with her about how it's making you feel, outside of counseling? Like really lay it all out there - you love her but the marriage can't survive with the current dynamic. Maybe approaching it from a place of caring, rather than confrontation, could help get through.

If talking it through again doesn't help, you may need to consider some sort of ultimatum. Like counseling sessions together regularly or trying to realign priorities, or you won't be able to keep sacrificing your well-being. It's not fair for your whole world to revolve around her new gig while the relationship suffers.

Stay strong man. You ain't doing anything wrong from what it sounds like. I hope you guys can work it out, but if not, at least you'll know you tried your best and it wasn't because of anything on your end. Hang in there!

[DreamCrescent]

i used to work while my husband was “too burnt out” to do anything. i tried my best to support him through whatever phase he was going through. it was rough. coming home from work to a messy kitchen and his dishes that he left me in the sink because he doesn’t like water on his hands. waking up to go to work resenting him for being able to sleep in. calling during the day to ask what would he like for dinner and getting a noncommittal “we’ll see” then coming home to him having doordashed and eaten.

once he got back in the workforce, it was to drive his car as an uber. suddenly it became the most important thing for him. i was nonexistent. he’d come home straight to bed. he’d sleep all day on the weekends. he was too exhausted to say two words to me. i worked 10x harder, made 4x his income, and was lonelier married to him than i would have been alone

you didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. i don’t know what i did either to be completely sidelined. but what you’re describing is a good partnership free marriage. your spouse doesn’t treat you as a partner. i’ve been through it

i see some answers to to telling you to go ahead and cheat or she’s too tired. I’m just gonna say, you’re not your wife’s priority. if it wasn’t work it’d be something else. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. it gets worse before it gets better. and dealing with a breakup and the sadness that ensues afterwards, i cannot even tell you

of course there’s the classic go-on-a-romantic-vacation move

only you can answer the questions in your marriage and only you can decide your next step

with respect. best wishes to you

[MzAsh]

This is tough. What would her side of the story sound like?

[strateguy632]

awkward to specify, but, "she is not interested" means she not initiate? what if you try, when she gets home to cuddle does she say no?

if she says no many times definitely divorce her.

so remind her you are counting her no, and that "she is home more hours she needs to do more housework." probably she won't change so as above divorce her.

[Avicenna]

You probably aren't doing anything wrong.

[andreasderjuengere]

Find a side chick. Compensate.

She perhaps won't even notice.

[Anonymous]

Once the spark is gone, it is hard work to get it back again, and it will take a huge effort from both of you.

[serious_miss419]

She’s got too much on her plate. Respect it or leave.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Time to upgrade to a better model