Have you ever done anything to "test" a partner? If so, how did that work out?

[OlderAndWiser]

"Testing" your partner means that you aren't confident about their intentions and you deliberately stage a situation where they have the opportunity to reveal their true character. For instance, a girl is engaged but wants to know that her fiance won't cheat. So she gets the help of her younger sister. Future sister-in-law calls the guy and asks if he can come over to fix a leaky faucet. When he arrives, she is home alone, and wearing seductive lingerie. She tries to seduce him but he walks out of her house without touching her. When he exits the house, his fiance is waiting outside to congratulate him on passing the test.

If someone tests you even once, it strongly suggests that they don't trust you. And you might get tested again. Who wants to live knowing that everything that happens to you just might be a deliberately staged test? I think testing a partner - if they learn about the test - raises the possibility of a break up to a near certainty.

Have you ever tested a partner? How did that work? Have you ever been tested? How did you feel when yo learned that you had been tested?

I've never tested a partner

I've tested at least one person who failed the test, and I broke up with them

I've tested at least one person who failed the test, but I didn't break up with them

I've tested a partner who "passed" the test but they broke up with me when they learned I had tested them

I've tested a partner who "passed" the test and they didn't break up with me when they learned I had tested them

I've tested a partner who "passed" the test but they never learned that I had tested them

[Jessica405]

I believe that if you feel the need to rest a partner, you should not be with them. You are just showing your own insecurities. It is always possible that a guy will realise he is being tested and deliberately turn the tables on you.

For example, if I got a friend to test the fidelity of my guy by coming on to him, he is smart enough to know what I was up to, and would somehow call the whole thing out to show my distrust. I could lose him for no real reason except my own insecurity.

Thankfully, I am not insecure in our relationship.

[Angst-Of-One]

I'm glad to hear that this "testing" persona is not universal. It's massively disrespectful, and will end just as many relationships as it saves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sticking up for all guys irrespective of what their like... there may well be some guys which this technique may well be of use... but they need to earn that disrespectful approach... I know some ladies who do this as a default...(fortunately I've never had to deal with this first hand)... but the mate of mine who this lady had done this too, is incredibly loyal, and treats all of his partners like royalty... and she tried to "catch him out" cheating with her BFF... he figured it out... later on that night I run into his girlfriend crying in the corner... telling me that "John" just broke up with her... I asked her if she knew why, and she said "John told me that I should know better..." apparently he also pulled out a ring, placed in on the table and said, it seems I won't be needing this after all...

It hurt hearing all that... as they were such a good couple, who really truly loved each other so much... but she ended up ruining everything... because she thought this behaviour was a) acceptable and b) something that guys wouldn't react too...

[OlderAndWiser]

@Angst-Of-One This is a MHO story!

[Vegasrunner]

Every woman test her man, most just deny it publicly. Majority of guys never realize they're being tested anyway so you won't have to worry about that. If your friend was hot and cane on to him and he thought he could get away w/ it he's definitely going to bang her.

[Jessica405]

Thank you for MHG!

[Desconhecida]

I tested my first boyfriend. He failed miserably and the idiot here didn't end things. I wasted years knowing I was with a scumbag but couldn't make myself leave. Until he did.
That's embarrassing to remember...

[TonyMetal___86]

I like it when i get tested and i succeed, in a serious relationship i'm always comfortable for a simple reason, i know that i'll never lie or cheat and that i'll always love my girl and these things makes me feel comfortable like a king 😁

[Desconhecida]

You are right. Then again, if we feel the need to test the person we are in a relationship with then there's a real problem. We shouldn't have that level of doubt and insecurity and if we do, the relationship is not healthy.

[TonyMetal___86]

100% agree with you on this one...
The actions speaks louder than words!

[Angst-Of-One]

@TonyMetal___86 Seriously? You don't feel disrespected by that? The fact that you know that your one of the good guys and wouldn't "lie or cheat" is honestly a great thing (although tbh it shouldn't be... more of us should just see this as something that is necessary, rather than optional).
Personally, if a girl tried to test me in this way I would take that in board, and then after passing, I would 100% reverse the roles and spend every waking moment doing the same thing back to her... unless I honestly thought the world of her, regardless of how she performed, that would be the end of the relationship. The very fact that she thought THIS was the only way to proceed, says a lot about said woman... i. e if she does it once, what's stopping her from doing it again and again... there is only so much "uncalled for" disrespect I would take...

I really hope that you have a "line in the sand" somewhere man... because what's going to stop this behaviour otherwise?

[Desconhecida]

My God. Respect other people's feelings and opinions, dude. He is a good guy and his reactions are more mature than yours in this scenario. 😉

[TonyMetal___86]

@Angst-Of-One i understand what you're saying but in general a woman would test you and you won't be aware that you're being tested!

If you have ever watched the Cheaters series, the suspect will be followed, recorded and photographed without his knowledge, that's what i meant in my comment...

[TonyMetal___86]

@Desconhecida thanks miss desconhecida, i appreciate you're nice words 😌

[jennifer_bloom]

I’ve tested guys on dates by suggesting 2 hours and then pretending to change my mind, just to see if the guy likes me enough to lengthen the date. And sometimes I will offer to buy a guy things to see if he likes to take advantage of others, but I don’t do actual tests on guys, it’s not necessary cause I scope the guy out before I go on a date with him. Another thing is, I might pretend to not like a guy I’m willing to date to see if his behaviour changes when he believes he will never be my boyfriend: some guys pretend to be nice when your single and treat you like trash when they realize being nice will not benefit them. I might also go on a date with messy hair to weed out superficial guys whose loyalty is as short as a rubber band.

[Vegasrunner]

I like how you say you dont do test then provide two additional test.

[OlderAndWiser]

So how's all of that working out for you?

[jennifer_bloom]

I found a decent guy that I rejected cause he moved too far away and I also uncovered bad guys who looked good. Also got rejected by a guy who passed my tests but I’m okay with that cause I like someone else now.

[MzAsh]

I wouldn’t recommend what I call “the set up,” as you’ve described it here. I have my own vetting criteria when it comes to men in dating and relationships though.

[DaveJord]

I have on line dated a fair amount of ladies. The whole process is just one test after another, if you are doing it right. Every question has an answer, you send a good night or good morning text just to see if you get one back... well that's a test your gaging their interest level. They don't replay or it takes too long for them to get back to you then you know. You tell some one that you love cats, and then ask if they like cats... well if they come back and say no I hate cats... well they probably are not a good match for you... test or no test they are judged on the answer given. So I do not trust anyone who says they do not test potential partners.

But one lady I was dating, I deactivate my on line dating profile. I told her I was taking a break from on line dating. She never deactivate her profile, or offered to. So she failed that first test.

We kept dating for a month or so, went on an over night trip with her, had relations a few times... so I asked her what type of relationship did she want with me? She said she doesn't like to define relationships like that... She failed the second test.

So after that I reactivated my online profile... because what she did not know is that even though my account was deactivate, it didn't mean I could not log into it and still she that she was being extremely active on the app. She was longing into her profile two to three times a day and staying online for hours at a time. So by the second day she asks me why my account is active again... I told her that since we are not defining what we are doing and she is obviously still very active on the website that I thought I would start looking for someone else. Again it was all a test because I knew she would see me active and then ask what's up. Well, she got pissed at me for accusing her of doing things she was not... for lying about deactivating my account, to online stalking her.

She failed the third test and three strikes you're out!!! The sex wasn't even that good, and honestly over time I learned 1 strike is all it really requires... because it always seems to go down hill from there.

[19magic]

I would initially, but I dunno if what I would do is classed as testing like: going to a maccys and see if he clears up after himself or immediately stands up and leave the rubbish there. Most people will clear up in a restaurant but not at a cheaper place. I would consider that a test, but I also wouldn't care if a guy did the same to me. When talking about sexual things, I like to discuss different situations and I'll watch him to see if he gets agitated or angry, and if he does then we're not a good match. As I've been around several guys now, who get angry for the smallest of things, and it's not thing I want in my life.

Admittedly, when I was younger and I first heard about testing as you described, I was about 14 and I thought it was a great idea. That was until I thought about how would I feel if he did that to me, and I realised just how shitty that would feel. So I wouldn't do something like that, however back when I watched EastEnders, I remember an episode where one of the ladies left some money on the windowsill. The next morning she went and checked the windowsill to find it gone and then the guy was behind her holding the notes in his hand saying why'd she test him etc. It made me think about it a bit and I'm like that sounds like something I'd do accidentally cause I'm just a scatter brain. Same as leaving my phone unlocked and on the sofa/table/bar etc and watching to see if he grabs it or not. I would do that as its not something I'm always thinkibg about. I do worry that I might do something like that, and it's perceived as testing.

[AncientWisdom]

To me shit testing is making a hardship for an already often touchy situation.
In my experience relationships are work , and a balancing act already if you care about it.
Also it seems to me it works at odds with building trust. As by its very nature is set forward to catch out something in order to foment more distrust. If your shit testing you don’t have trust for your partner. If people learned true human communication it wouldn’t be a problem. Most people don’t even know the 55/38/7 rule that applies to human communication.

[SenileOldMan]

I think I might be the polar opposite of this type in terms of my intentions and the way I gather information about people. It never even occurred to me on early dates to ask lots of questions as though this is an interview process, even to my own detriment. I like information to kind of flow out naturally with a "show, not tell" approach. So I like to do things together and let the conversations flow more naturally, far from anything remotely resembling an interview, and especially not the slightest bit resembling a test.

[SenileOldMan]

This is the first time I put much thought into it but one thing is that I don't find much comfort in safety. I'm addicted to risk-taking. So maybe that's why I was never tempted to test anyone this way. It's not that I naively think every single on the planet is trustworthy, far from it, but I'm not afraid to be betrayed. I don't see what I did wrong if I was betrayed. I have been betrayed and it stings a bit, but I did nothing wrong as I see it, but I could see it as myself doing wrong if I tested them like this.

But moreover, my idea of courtship and romance involves timing and a sort of natural flow to communication. I don't like to force it.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I was the friend that would make the pass at the my friends boyfriend to see how he would take it. There were some guys who were literally like, okay lets get it on and start stripping or whatever and be like this stays between us right? Others were like no way and walk away.

Far as I know they were never told it was a test.

This was really just a college thing though, after that it never happened again and often times in college relationships would shift, so John was with Jane and then next month Jane is with Joe and Joe is with someone else, they all freaking switched anyways.

[Wraith_Cemetery]

I was tested in a very similar way described above but they weren't waiting outside to congratulate me. Instead, the girlfriend didn't let me know it was a test but the person involved felt bad enough about it to make me aware that it was all just a test that my girlfriend created.

Needless to say, I broke up with the girl immediately because I cannot stand childish games.

[OlderAndWiser]

My example actually comes from a "joke." The guy walks outside, sees his giance there, and realizes that it was a test. Then he thinks to himself, "Glad I keep the condoms in my car!"

[exitseven]

I was in a long term relationship with somebody that lived 1500 miles away. We only saw each other 2 or 3 times a year. Mostly we wrote letter since there was no e-mail or Skype at the time. I wrote to her almost every week and if I got a letter from her once a semester it was a big deal. I once spent a month in the hospital and she could not even be bothered to send me a get well card. She really put very little effort into the relationship.
We talked about marriage and she said she loved me and wanted to marry me. I wondered what kind of partner she really would have been, so when I saw her for the last time I figured I would not write to her to see what she would do. Five months went by and I did not hear a word from her. I called her late one Saturday night and broke up with her. She had no idea that anything was wrong.

[Anonymous]

I actually got tested on by an ex a long time ago; the reason we broke up was because he cheated. I guess somewhere in his twisted mind, he had to make sure I wasn’t a cheater to “continue the relationship.” Anyway though, I had went to a school event where I got to meet a ton of cool people which he knew. The following day, a random number texts me saying we met at the event the day before and his name was “Sam.”

I obviously didn’t know who this was so I told them they must’ve gotten the wrong number or something since I didn’t meet anyone with that name. He kept assuring me that we did in fact meet and asked if I had a boyfriend 3 times which I responded with “yes no maybe” as jokes since I knew this person was a phony.

the next day, he came clean on what he done texting “I was Sam” and stopped talking to me a few days since he wasn’t satisfied with my responses. We broke up because he was using me for my ethnicity saying that he wanted to add it to his “list/resume.”

[CrazyGirl2]

Testing a partner is immature almost childish behavior. If you want to know something just ask them, if you can’t because you really don’t know if he/she will tell the truth END IT NOW!

[Angst-Of-One]

It's refreshing to see/hear someone of your age say this... thank you for being mature and seeing the big picture. Sorry to have to say this but I've seen/heard a lot of girls in the 18-24 bracket being proper "arbiters" for this whole "testing technique" mentality... believing, whole heartedly that "they are in the right here, and guys should consider themselves fortunate to have a forum such as this to be able to justify themselves" (this is taken directly from a debate I had on this subject the other week). To which I obviously responded; "If you continue this train of thought, I will be gob smacked if you actually have a relationship that lasts longer than the date of this first "test"...

Literally the ONLY people who are actually going to be on board with this plan of yours, are those guys who are already 100% DEFINITELY fucking behind your back anyway... because they can use this very predictable "testing strategy" to prove to you in these moments (which YOU think are random, but which are actually very easy to see coming up), as a way to prove to you that they are being honest with you, and aren't cheating on you...

[CrazyGirl2]

@Angst-Of-One Thanks, for the kind words. My first boyfriend was the greatest guy ever, or so I thought he was so kind, understanding, and patient with me. We made love for the very first time almost exactly a year from the date we started dating… less than a week later I caught him very blatantly cheating on me! So I absolutely understand that people are happy to play the long game to get what they really want! So my attitude now is, if I can’t trust someone after 3 dates, I will never trust them. Trust is everything, if there is no trust, just end it! If you feel as though you need to test someone, its b/c you don’t trust them, so just end it now, and move on!

[BipBipLeddus]

No.

Doing that shit doesn't strengthen a relationship, it just makes the person on the receiving end very uncomfortable, even if they have absolutely nothing to hide. Everyone is happy being around someone who makes them feel uncomfortable, right?

[Angst-Of-One]

I would warn you that that will almost certainly come back to bite you in the ass... if that happened to me, that would be the end of the relationship. I would probably do the same to her first just to see how she would react to the same thing reversed... if I really cared about her that is. Then use that as a "teachable example" as to why doing that again wouldn't be wise...

But yeah, it would quite likely be the end of it. I'm not here to play a ****ing game show... it's massively disrespectful and shows that a) you don't trust him and b) can't be trusted yourself

[Adam1978]

I don't do that kind of test and most test is just me checking if they can tolerate certain aspects of me. So I don't waste time. I don't need to break up with them in today society. Because they fail themselves and walks away. Unaware that they did it to themselves by being intolerant.

[Bluemax]

I've never tested nor been tested.

In the above scenario, I would request my future sister-in-law to put some clothes on or remain in another room. Not because I am tempted, but because her actions are inappropriate. When my fiance congratulates me, I would sincerely thank her... for allowing me to dodge a bullet and promptly break up with her.

[TrueConfection]

I voted Never based on your definition. However, when I was dating my husband and he asked me to move in with him, I refused unless we were married. He ended up proposing a lot sooner than I had even hoped. I wasn't really testing I guess, because I meant it. I'm glad he didn't reject my contingency.

[exitseven]

@TrueConfection that's really hardcore.

[TrueConfection]

@exitseven I guess it is now days.

[Lliam]

First, I hate pranks/practical jokes, so I would be pissed off. Second, I would consider her to be an insecure, dishonest, underhanded, manipulative, sneaky, scheming little bitch. We'd be done. If she did it once, she'd doing it the rest of our lives because it's the way her mind works.
She just fucked herself.

I would never do that to anyone.

[ArrowheadSW]

I can't think of any instance where I "tested" a woman who I was dating. However I can think of times where I was tested. I think it is somewhat normal unless it is carried out to some dumb extent. I remember one lady who I was dating, (who I had a lot in common with), told me as I was leaving her place on Sunday night, "I don't think we have much in common". This was after spending all weekend with her and having a great time. I leave all puzzled as to why she said this. So I spent half the week wondering why on earth she would say that and when talking to her on the phone I asked her what she meant by it. Anyway I think she was a bit embarrassed that she said that. Anyway, it wasn't a big deal and she was cool. We dated for a long time but the relationship didn't work out for various reasons none of which were bad.

[jshm2]

Yeah. She was sitting her finals and I gave her a good testing on all her subjects. She did pass though.

[OlderAndWiser]

Not the kind of test I had in mind. Also not thinking abouy tryouts for the Sexual Olympics.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I wanted to see if this one girl coworker of mine had a crush on me. I invited her to my house for dinner one summer evening. She texted me she was on her way. I never gave her my address and she never asked. Yet she arrived, right on time...

[OlderAndWiser]

What's the rest of the story?

[Opinion Owner]

It's complicated. I'm married. My coworker and I engaged in a very emotionally charged affair that lasted for more than two years. I chose to break up with her. End result was not pretty.