Have you ever done anything to "test" a partner? If so, how did that work out?

Question

"Testing" your partner means that you aren't confident about their intentions and you deliberately stage a situation where they have the opportunity to reveal their true character. For instance, a girl is engaged but wants to know that her fiance won't cheat. So she gets the help of her younger sister. Future sister-in-law calls the guy and asks if he can come over to fix a leaky faucet. When he arrives, she is home alone, and wearing seductive lingerie. She tries to seduce him but he walks out of her house without touching her. When he exits the house, his fiance is waiting outside to congratulate him on passing the test.

If someone tests you even once, it strongly suggests that they don't trust you. And you might get tested again. Who wants to live knowing that everything that happens to you just might be a deliberately staged test? I think testing a partner - if they learn about the test - raises the possibility of a break up to a near certainty.

Have you ever tested a partner? How did that work? Have you ever been tested? How did you feel when yo learned that you had been tested?

Jessica405 · Accepted Answer

I believe that if you feel the need to rest a partner, you should not be with them. You are just showing your own insecurities. It is always possible that a guy will realise he is being tested and deliberately turn the tables on you.

For example, if I got a friend to test the fidelity of my guy by coming on to him, he is smart enough to know what I was up to, and would somehow call the whole thing out to show my distrust. I could lose him for no real reason except my own insecurity.

Thankfully, I am not insecure in our relationship.

Desconhecida · Accepted Answer

I tested my first boyfriend. He failed miserably and the idiot here didn't end things. I wasted years knowing I was with a scumbag but couldn't make myself leave. Until he did.
That's embarrassing to remember...

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I’ve tested guys on dates by suggesting 2 hours and then pretending to change my mind, just to see if the guy likes me enough to lengthen the date. And sometimes I will offer to buy a guy things to see if he likes to take advantage of others, but I don’t do actual tests on guys, it’s not necessary cause I scope the guy out before I go on a date with him. Another thing is, I might pretend to not like a guy I’m willing to date to see if his behaviour changes when he believes he will never be my boyfriend: some guys pretend to be nice when your single and treat you like trash when they realize being nice will not benefit them. I might also go on a date with messy hair to weed out superficial guys whose loyalty is as short as a rubber band.

MzAsh · Answer

I wouldn’t recommend what I call “the set up,” as you’ve described it here. I have my own vetting criteria when it comes to men in dating and relationships though.

DaveJord · Answer

I have on line dated a fair amount of ladies. The whole process is just one test after another, if you are doing it right. Every question has an answer, you send a good night or good morning text just to see if you get one back... well that's a test your gaging their interest level. They don't replay or it takes too long for them to get back to you then you know. You tell some one that you love cats, and then ask if they like cats... well if they come back and say no I hate cats... well they probably are not a good match for you... test or no test they are judged on the answer given. So I do not trust anyone who says they do not test potential partners.

But one lady I was dating, I deactivate my on line dating profile. I told her I was taking a break from on line dating. She never deactivate her profile, or offered to. So she failed that first test.

We kept dating for a month or so, went on an over night trip with her, had relations a few times... so I asked her what type of relationship did she want with me? She said she doesn't like to define relationships like that... She failed the second test.

So after that I reactivated my online profile... because what she did not know is that even though my account was deactivate, it didn't mean I could not log into it and still she that she was being extremely active on the app. She was longing into her profile two to three times a day and staying online for hours at a time. So by the second day she asks me why my account is active again... I told her that since we are not defining what we are doing and she is obviously still very active on the website that I thought I would start looking for someone else. Again it was all a test because I knew she would see me active and then ask what's up. Well, she got pissed at me for accusing her of doing things she was not... for lying about deactivating my account, to online stalking her.

She failed the third test and three strikes you're out!!! The sex wasn't even that good, and honestly over time I learned 1 strike is all it really requires... because it always seems to go down hill from there.

19magic · Answer

I would initially, but I dunno if what I would do is classed as testing like: going to a maccys and see if he clears up after himself or immediately stands up and leave the rubbish there. Most people will clear up in a restaurant but not at a cheaper place. I would consider that a test, but I also wouldn't care if a guy did the same to me. When talking about sexual things, I like to discuss different situations and I'll watch him to see if he gets agitated or angry, and if he does then we're not a good match. As I've been around several guys now, who get angry for the smallest of things, and it's not thing I want in my life.

Admittedly, when I was younger and I first heard about testing as you described, I was about 14 and I thought it was a great idea. That was until I thought about how would I feel if he did that to me, and I realised just how shitty that would feel. So I wouldn't do something like that, however back when I watched EastEnders, I remember an episode where one of the ladies left some money on the windowsill. The next morning she went and checked the windowsill to find it gone and then the guy was behind her holding the notes in his hand saying why'd she test him etc. It made me think about it a bit and I'm like that sounds like something I'd do accidentally cause I'm just a scatter brain. Same as leaving my phone unlocked and on the sofa/table/bar etc and watching to see if he grabs it or not. I would do that as its not something I'm always thinkibg about. I do worry that I might do something like that, and it's perceived as testing.

AncientWisdom · Answer

To me shit testing is making a hardship for an already often touchy situation.
In my experience relationships are work , and a balancing act already if you care about it.
Also it seems to me it works at odds with building trust. As by its very nature is set forward to catch out something in order to foment more distrust. If your shit testing you don’t have trust for your partner. If people learned true human communication it wouldn’t be a problem. Most people don’t even know the 55/38/7 rule that applies to human communication.

SenileOldMan · Answer

I think I might be the polar opposite of this type in terms of my intentions and the way I gather information about people. It never even occurred to me on early dates to ask lots of questions as though this is an interview process, even to my own detriment. I like information to kind of flow out naturally with a "show, not tell" approach. So I like to do things together and let the conversations flow more naturally, far from anything remotely resembling an interview, and especially not the slightest bit resembling a test.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

I was the friend that would make the pass at the my friends boyfriend to see how he would take it. There were some guys who were literally like, okay lets get it on and start stripping or whatever and be like this stays between us right? Others were like no way and walk away.

Far as I know they were never told it was a test.

This was really just a college thing though, after that it never happened again and often times in college relationships would shift, so John was with Jane and then next month Jane is with Joe and Joe is with someone else, they all freaking switched anyways.

Wraith_Cemetery · Answer

I was tested in a very similar way described above but they weren't waiting outside to congratulate me. Instead, the girlfriend didn't let me know it was a test but the person involved felt bad enough about it to make me aware that it was all just a test that my girlfriend created.

Needless to say, I broke up with the girl immediately because I cannot stand childish games.

exitseven · Answer

I was in a long term relationship with somebody that lived 1500 miles away. We only saw each other 2 or 3 times a year. Mostly we wrote letter since there was no e-mail or Skype at the time. I wrote to her almost every week and if I got a letter from her once a semester it was a big deal. I once spent a month in the hospital and she could not even be bothered to send me a get well card. She really put very little effort into the relationship.
We talked about marriage and she said she loved me and wanted to marry me. I wondered what kind of partner she really would have been, so when I saw her for the last time I figured I would not write to her to see what she would do. Five months went by and I did not hear a word from her. I called her late one Saturday night and broke up with her. She had no idea that anything was wrong.

Anonymous · Answer

I actually got tested on by an ex a long time ago; the reason we broke up was because he cheated. I guess somewhere in his twisted mind, he had to make sure I wasn’t a cheater to “continue the relationship.” Anyway though, I had went to a school event where I got to meet a ton of cool people which he knew. The following day, a random number texts me saying we met at the event the day before and his name was “Sam.”

I obviously didn’t know who this was so I told them they must’ve gotten the wrong number or something since I didn’t meet anyone with that name. He kept assuring me that we did in fact meet and asked if I had a boyfriend 3 times which I responded with “yes no maybe” as jokes since I knew this person was a phony.

the next day, he came clean on what he done texting “I was Sam” and stopped talking to me a few days since he wasn’t satisfied with my responses. We broke up because he was using me for my ethnicity saying that he wanted to add it to his “list/resume.”

CrazyGirl2 · Answer

Testing a partner is immature almost childish behavior. If you want to know something just ask them, if you can’t because you really don’t know if he/she will tell the truth END IT NOW!

BipBipLeddus · Answer

No.

Doing that shit doesn't strengthen a relationship, it just makes the person on the receiving end very uncomfortable, even if they have absolutely nothing to hide. Everyone is happy being around someone who makes them feel uncomfortable, right?

Angst-Of-One · Answer

I would warn you that that will almost certainly come back to bite you in the ass... if that happened to me, that would be the end of the relationship. I would probably do the same to her first just to see how she would react to the same thing reversed... if I really cared about her that is. Then use that as a "teachable example" as to why doing that again wouldn't be wise...

But yeah, it would quite likely be the end of it. I'm not here to play a ****ing game show... it's massively disrespectful and shows that a) you don't trust him and b) can't be trusted yourself

Adam1978 · Answer

I don't do that kind of test and most test is just me checking if they can tolerate certain aspects of me. So I don't waste time. I don't need to break up with them in today society. Because they fail themselves and walks away. Unaware that they did it to themselves by being intolerant.

Bluemax · Answer

I've never tested nor been tested.

In the above scenario, I would request my future sister-in-law to put some clothes on or remain in another room. Not because I am tempted, but because her actions are inappropriate. When my fiance congratulates me, I would sincerely thank her... for allowing me to dodge a bullet and promptly break up with her.

TrueConfection · Answer

I voted Never based on your definition. However, when I was dating my husband and he asked me to move in with him, I refused unless we were married. He ended up proposing a lot sooner than I had even hoped. I wasn't really testing I guess, because I meant it. I'm glad he didn't reject my contingency.

Lliam · Answer

First, I hate pranks/practical jokes, so I would be pissed off. Second, I would consider her to be an insecure, dishonest, underhanded, manipulative, sneaky, scheming little bitch. We'd be done. If she did it once, she'd doing it the rest of our lives because it's the way her mind works.
She just fucked herself.

I would never do that to anyone.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I can't think of any instance where I "tested" a woman who I was dating. However I can think of times where I was tested. I think it is somewhat normal unless it is carried out to some dumb extent. I remember one lady who I was dating, (who I had a lot in common with), told me as I was leaving her place on Sunday night, "I don't think we have much in common". This was after spending all weekend with her and having a great time. I leave all puzzled as to why she said this. So I spent half the week wondering why on earth she would say that and when talking to her on the phone I asked her what she meant by it. Anyway I think she was a bit embarrassed that she said that. Anyway, it wasn't a big deal and she was cool. We dated for a long time but the relationship didn't work out for various reasons none of which were bad.

jshm2 · Answer

Yeah. She was sitting her finals and I gave her a good testing on all her subjects. She did pass though.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah, I wanted to see if this one girl coworker of mine had a crush on me. I invited her to my house for dinner one summer evening. She texted me she was on her way. I never gave her my address and she never asked. Yet she arrived, right on time...

NathanDavis · Answer

never done this, never had this done to me trust is vital for me if someone did this to me, it would be 1000% a deal breaker and an instant one as well

Minahh · Answer

I actually did lol. He said that we are not able to meet because he's grandad's home, his head hurts and is not really feelin it so I texted him that I'm going out with my friend and he can come with us if he wants to. He said yes and I got mad because it seemed like he wants to see her but not me.

lrina · Answer

testing your partner really isn't a good thing unless you have serious and valid reasons to believe that they should be tested. otherwise it's just a sign of excessive jealousy and being a bard partner.

little_bird1 · Answer

I don't have to, life does it for me all the time. Inevitably, every situation that happens is kind of an act from life that keeps testing couples consistently. The point is playing as a team and passing together.

Anonymous · Answer

I kind of just ask a dumb question every now and again like, "How would you feel if I made an OnlyFans?" or "How would you feel if another guy complimented my body?" and he gets defensive and says he wouldn't like other guys looking at me and that this is private matters between us only. And I'm happy and satisfied.

lilyanony1 · Answer

I don't test my partner, I just observe their behaviour and see how they make adjustments according to things I express as a concern... If they make no changes I just slowly lose interest.

Oigit · Answer

Never been a fan of the idea. Because it seems like people already know what grade their partner is going to get and already have at least one foot out of the relationship. So it seems like accepting the grade they will get and getting your other foot out of the relationship is the way to go.

NamerOfStars · Answer

No, that's always struck me as sneaky and dishonest.

Slartybartfast · Answer

No "I played foolish children's games and they left me because of my immature tests"?

No "I learned when people test you the only way to win is to walk away"

No "they left because they got tired of my juvenile games" ?

Can you give us adults some options when you make a poll?

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

She was going to plan to break up with me, so I broke up with her before she did so with me plus she lost a class ring of mine which I will never recover

Mangospacho · Answer

This is why you have to flip the script on the “tester”. If they have the nerve to try to test you then you can tank the test and just hook up with the person she’s trying to test on you. If you’re gonna fail her test, fail it with flying colors.

SenseiSeptred · Answer

Existence is a series of trials to pass, and not all of them are about relationships or schoolwork. There are tests of martial skill, common sense, cooking, gardening, anything that can be thought of can be the subject of a test.

InYourHead · Answer

I had a friend who wanted me to test her back to see if he would be faithful. She was not happy with the results of the test

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Sometimes I've had women test me and its really stupid so i purposely fail in an epic above and beyond way to fuck with them back. But this is more with shit tests than with a full on scenario like described in the post.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

To test someone proves that you're looking for something. Just be clear on your intentions and speak on what you expect of them if they are in a relationship with you. How they feel is not important when the boundaries are being discussed. Let their actions do the talking.

Phoenix98 · Answer

Nope that’s not how I do things. I either trust you or I don’t.

TerryT · Answer

Certain people you need to find out if you can trust them.. they did too with me. We both passed & set the wedding date.

chilldude33 · Answer

like you said, testing is a lack of trust. i would never test, and i would think of them less if they tested me

admles · Answer

Never have, never will. I despise that sort of thing., and wouldn’t tolerate it from a partner.

Anonymous · Answer

I test my friends partners as he tests mine. He had added them on social media before they knew each other and they talked for a bit. Then he starts to test their lolalty to me. Will they cheat or not? And I've done the same thing for him when he asked me to for his partner. It's best to do it a few months in before they meet your friends. Then you can stop or keep going in the relationship depending on what they do.

worldscolide · Answer

Putting your partner through shit tests is just childish and manipulative.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes and we broke up. I was in the wrong for testing him. It’s fd up.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

I don't remember... maybe once and it was a long time ago...

Likes2drive · Answer

I never tested anyone but may have been tested and not know in the past while dating

RobT312 · Answer

No never have done this. Even in a bad relationship or during a fight , the thought never crossed my mind

jimmy2 · Answer

If the person fails the tester has mo pne but themselves to blame

Vegasrunner · Answer

This is a great question. Take a look at the comments and note that majority of women admit to testing their men why majority of men don't. in my opinion that is a huge mistake and guys should constantly be testing their women.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I've been tested before, and I'm aware of it. So I fail on purpose as a form of sabotage because I'm annoyed at her for doing that.

josephinelcajon · Answer

I "test" a lot of people!

Waldoe · Answer

Games are for children...

Massageman · Answer

No I haven't

Uptowngirl88 · Answer

No, seems childish

Anonymous · Answer

Yes. All have failed.

jahaims · Answer

That's immature

Have you ever done anything to "test" a partner? If so, how did that work out?

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