Am I asking to much of my partner. Am I the problem or am I right to feel the way I do?

[Anonymous]

we have Been together for 9 years and I still feel unloved by him. I may not be so attractive to him now as I was 9 years ago. I was at my best then but I still felt like sex was mechanical with him. He has never made any suggestion that he enjoys me passionately. Just he would go through the motions and thats how it felt for me. in between all this we get on great usually. When I question his lack of passion and affection. He tends to get angry at me says I'm pestering him and that maybe if I didn't keep on then maybe he would. just I don't nag him , I try to look nice and yet he can goes months without cuddling me and having no sex.
Like I said even at the start sex wasn't good and not adopted as I would have liked. Then it just dwindled to once every 2 months or longer.
We used to chat a lot and I felt I could always turn to him but not now. He tells me to be quiet or he will talk over me.
I've never been in a relationship that's lacked passion like this. Even at night he falls asleep he never cuddles me. I try to but he just doesn't respond. When you have shared the same bed for years it's natural to snuggle up. I've tried to see the problem is with me and I'm wanting to much. I try to accept it as it is , just there's only so long I can go on for like this. As I suddenly feel. down on myself and I feel lonely and unwanted. I've tried looking great and everyone says I do. Only he doesn't. Same if a guy chats. me up body in front of him. It doesn't bother him he just doesn't care. I could be sunbathing topless surrounded by rugby players. Only it wouldn't bother him. I don't want jealousy but just a bit of protective ness that's all. I ask him if he wants to split up because we are more distant that ever. He says I'm making it all up in my head. He tells. e I'm simple and selfish.
Just that's not who I am and its only now and then I'll ask why he doesn't want me. Only again he gets angry and say he is sick of me making it all. about him.

[WonderBell99]

Wow.. I've never seen so many red flags in a single question before

You are absolutely right to feel the way you do. How old are you? It's okay to want intimacy. It's okay to crave for passion. Burning passion won't last for long, but the fact that he is not even willing to hear you out is the main issue here.

"He tells me to be quiet or he will talk over me."

There is no communication between you both. He is not ready to hear you out, he is not ready to be a better partner, he is not telling you what is bothering him.. and he acts like an arsehole.

Secondly,

"Like I said even at the start sex wasn't good and not adopted as I would have liked. Then it just dwindled to once every 2 months or longer."

Why the heck did you stay with him if the sex was not good even at the start? Both of you do not seem to have the same sex drive as the other. You are not sexually compatible with him.

Is something bothering him? At work? Maybe his private life? Is he depressed? Or busy with work? Have you tried telling him (calmly) that you would like to have sex more? Depression can lead to sexual dysfunction which *might* be the case.

[WonderBell99]

@WhatTheHeckkkk @PrettyPriya Thoughts on this question?

[Asker]

Thank you so much for you thoughts. I just so needed to know if I was being selfish and wanting to much. He gets so angry when I tell him how unloved I feel by him. so I get to feel confused and overwhelmed. Wondering if I'm as selfish as he says I'm being. I feel depressed by it and I feel so self conscious where as I never was like this.
I'm ashamed to say we are both 40 seems I should know so much better. Makes me feel so silly for being an older woman who feels this way. I just wanted to put this out there as i have no one I can talk to. So again thanks for your opinion it means a lot to me

[PrettyPriya]

@wonderbell99 I'm not sure I have much to add that you haven't said. It sounds that counseling might be a good direction. Just based on the details, sounds like perhaps the asker needs to get herself and partner back on the right course.

There is no shame in going to couples therapy. It can be very beneficial to get all the problems out in the open and deal with them, one by one.

[WonderBell99]

Just because you are an older woman does not mean that you should not let out your feelings. It is unhealthy to bottle up emotions and I'd recommend against it. I've tagged some of my friends so that they would be able to give you some helpful tips as well... the more opinions you get the merrier.

It is not selfish to want to feel loved/wanted. Your feelings are valid and completely understandable. However, instead of outright telling him that you feel "unloved", it is better to say that you want to spend more quality time with him.

For how long has this been going on?

[WonderBell99]

Try talking to him. It's best not to make any "accusatory" remarks. He will get defensive which will only make things worse. If he is not ready to hear you out, as @PrettyPriya mentioned, counselling is your best bet.

[Asker]

Thanks again and you're so right about the main issue being that he doesn't hear me out. The lack of intimacy does make me feel unattractive. Yet it is the fact that as soon as i try to talk to him he tries to stop me by talking over me. so I ended not saying anything as its not worth the hassle. There's no affection from. him which I feel is more important than sex. . I should know better being the age I am. Just im. not as self assured as used to be. You have given wonderful advice and you have really cared. That means a lot to me or anyone when they feel. down.
There's a place where your wise words would be so welcome.7 cups of tea.. Thats what it's called you would be great there as a listener.

[WonderBell99]

It is difficult to make a good decision when your judgment is clouded by emotions. Please do not blame yourself or your age. It is absolutely okay to ask for help or advice at any age.

Is it possible to convince him to go to couple’s therapy with you?

[WonderBell99]

And thank you very much. It really means a lot to me. You’re very kind. 😊

[caring__1]

Unfortunately, I've seen this too many times. People get into a relationship and expect things to improve and the other one to change. From the start you knew his sex drive and desire for intimacy wasn't very high. If anything, it tends to be highest when things are new. Rarely does it get better over time. The only time it does get better is when there is quality communication between the couple, and it doesn't sound like that exists between the two of you. You focus on your sense of entitlement, so he feels everything is about you, and the pressure and judgment is draining him of all his motivation to be intimate.

The person who owns the problem is the person who feels the discomfort. In this situation, both of you are uncomfortable for different reasons, so each of you owns a different problem. Never choose a partner based on his/her potential. As you've discovered, that only leads to frustration and disappointment. If intimacy is important, cut your losses by ending this relationship and finding a compatible partner. Quit expecting your cat to learn to bark.

[Carolus]

Sorry to say but you messed up along the way. Choices have consequences. There are things, arguments back then or now that to him were real issues but you felt or feel they weren’t or aren’t, this made him to detach from you and there is no remedy for that. It isn’t a switch you can turn on an off. Am personally in the exact situation right now, lonely and yearning to love someone. I don’t love the woman I have been with for the last 10 years, am with her out of responsibility and the children, her disrespect, arrogance and constant arguments made my feelings detach from her, our sex life is basically mechanical (can’t be unfaithful, but still need it), we haven’t kissed for years, she complains about my lack of passion towards her but am basically dead inside towards her. She seeks what she’s not ready to give and that’s double stands.

[Stevefiveo]

Umm, this is not good. You can try couple's counseling but I not sure what they can do to fix this.