Should I stay in relationship with my boyfriend when he regularly shames me?

[Alexandra010]

Hi, I am 22yo girl from Slovakia. Please bear with me, my English is still improving 🙈. My boyfriend and I are together since 2 years and we study medicine, which is pretty stressful for us. I would describe myself as submissive and peaceful girl. We fight maybe 3 times per month and when we actually fight he says he hates me and he calls me a stupid cow which I find very disrespectful. I am always trying to be nice though, but maybe last 3 times I couldn’t hold it and I broke up with him. After few days he always tells me that he is sorry, that he will change this behaviour etc. Sometimes he says that he is like this because of me, because “I can’t support him enough”. I am always doing my best and I often feel like I am walking on eggshell. Is it going to change someday? Is it okay when a guy is angry and calls his girlfriend a stupid cow or is it too much? I don’t know what to do anymore. After each “anger episode” he feels sorry and he is really nice to me.
Thanks for your response 😊

[quaranta]

This relationship has no point to exist, at the moment. And I'll tell you why (in my even worse English, my "neighbour").
• First of all, you fight 3 times per month. That means you are going through severe problems in your relationship, every week and a half you have an argument and get insulted. Either your communication is bad, or your mutual trust is gone, but something continuously triggers arguments steadily and no matter all the attempts to "change" or to adapt to each other, you keep arguing over and over. One of the two is probably more dysfunctional than the other but finding the faults here doesn't even matter, the result is the same.
• Second problem: it looks like he tries to project his responsibilities on you, as if he can't be accountable for anything he does if you aren't present enough in general. So, what about, bouncing it back and saying you are absent because of something else he does? If he wants to go through this game of tracking back the events to decide who is the bad kid of the situation, welcome, I'm pretty sure he couldn't endure being accused of anything, instead. He must recognize that his words and decisions are his only responsibility, you didn't threaten him or paid him o insult you. And this is very, very, very basic, in terms of mutual responsibilities. The fact he can't even manage this, means he will be always a turbulent mess during any conflict, or at least for very long, not capable of rationality and unbiased negotiation. Which is something you should require in a relationship, instead of absorbing all the effects of being the "mother" who has to be the sponge of the situation.
• Third problem: he proven multiple times he is not going to change any time soon. Given that any person doesn't change in a significant way in a couple of years, to show any improvement he should really be committed to this change, continuously, considering therapy if needed and doing a lot of continuous introspection and detecting the origins of his anger, navigating them etc. There is a lot of work to do behind a "I will change" and he should prove to be doing this work on himself, constantly, with willpower. Words are words, facts are facts. His words never matched the facts, so they have the value they have (0).
• Fourth problem: a relationship is meant to make you feel safe, relaxed, understood, cozy, loved, stable, reassured, encouraged, connected and a general sense of familiarity. What you get from this guy (not what you "could", I mean what you are actually getting now so far, that is what matters) is anxiety, tension, humiliation, stress, lies, instability, guilt, and you walk on eggshells. This proves the relationship lost its point to exist and you stay together just for the hope of what it "could" be.

The situation is recoverable only if you regain mutual trust first, but to achieve that you need a lot of months or years anyway because even though you can forgive each other you can't forget all the times your partner broke your trust, and you will remember for long what he is capable of. You will keep expecting these reactions for a lot of time even if he behaves perfect with 0 mistakes. But it's sufficient he does that again, only once, to destroy the process of regaining trust again, in 1 single minute. So if you want to recover this you need a plan and a lot of communication, you need to put on the table all the reasons behind these issues, all the lacks of trust, etc. I doubt he would cooperate efficiently if he cannot even find himself accountable for what he does but that's really the only way at this point.

[Alexandra010]

Wow thank you very much. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for your time 🤍.

[Random18x]

You should leave, I’ve been there before & it’s a toxic cycle with a narcissist person. If he says whatever and then just apologizes then proceeds to do it again. You need to take hed to the message and move on. He has 0 intentions on changing what he’s doing for you. And yes it may be easier said then done to be done with him but eventually you will have had enough and breakup with him.

[Alexandra010]

Thank you very much, I was looking for someone with this type of expirience. How long were you in this type of relationship please?

[Random18x]

I’ve been there twice. One for 3 months and one for a year. When you love someone, you tend to look past it (hence why I was there a year). The steps I took to let go was realizing I deserve and want more, allowing myself to feel how I feel & remembering when I WANT to be done I WILL. It doesn’t matter how long you’re there, when you are ready to be done love you will.

[loveslongnails]

You're dealing with a very insecure person and control freak with some strong narcissistic behaviors as well. This is mental and emotional abuse. You're IN an abusive relationship.

To answer simply - if you got into a shower and turned on it on, expecting to get some nice water, and shit came out instead, would you stay under the shower head hoping water will soon follow, thinking that its only a little shit and it's not so bad?> NO, you don't, but that's exactly what you're doing now.

"Sometimes he says that he is like this because of me, because “I can’t support him enough”. I'm fairly sure that's bullshit and you give him plenty of support.

"I am always doing my best and I often feel like I am walking on eggshell."
I'm certain that's very true, and not ever a good thing.

Is it going to change someday? Absolutely NOT

"Is it okay when a guy is angry and calls his girlfriend a stupid cow or is it too much?"
Obviously, that's not OK

"I don’t know what to do anymore. After each “anger episode” he feels sorry, and he is really nice to me." That is EXACTLY how an abuser acts and it never changes.

IF you choose to stay, this will be your life. It will never change; it will never get better.
IF you choose to stay, you are making a conscious choice to be his victim and will have wasted years of your life. It's important that you understand - he does NOT love you, no matter what he says, or how much he apologizes. What he LOVES is controlling you.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry but no, it will not change. If anything it will get worse. This is "classic" emotional abuse. It's like the kind of case that could be written in a textbook as an example of "an emotionally abusive relationship."

The pattern of anger, followed by apology is typical of abusive relationships (Like the man who buys flowers for his wife who he beat-up the night before). There are apologies, justifications, and promises that it won't happen again. Than it happens again, he apologizes, then it happens again.

The idea that it's YOUR FAULT that "he gets that way" is also very typical abusive behavior. The idea that the victim of abuse has CAUSED the abuse to happen is a hallmark of abusive men.

This will not get better. It will get worse. I'll bet it already has. Did he call you "a cow" a month after you two got together? Probably not. Have the frequency/intensity of his behavior increased since the beginning of the relationship?

You should not stay in this relationship.

Please please google "emotionally abusive relationship" and do a little research. I think you'll be shocked to see how closely his behavior mirrors the descriptions you're reading.

Feel free to message me if you'd like. But definitely get out of this relationship. You deserve better. 🙂

[Alexandra010]

Thank you very much for your response. The thing is I don’t even know how to get out of this relationship. When I want to break up with him, he starts to repeatedly ask me if I am 100% sure that I want to do this, and if I say yes, he starts to ask me why - I tell him the reasons and he kinda keeps disproving everything I say. Then he tells me why should I give him another chance, then he starts to make promises that it will get better… in the end of the conversation he starts crying and this is terrible for me to see him like this. This situation keeps happening again and again and I don’t know what to do anymore.

[SteveSmith1985]

What you described is ALSO extremely typical of abusive relationships. He is manipulating you into not leaving (even though you're trying). So this becomes a bit complicated. Would you like to move over to DM's? It's up to you. I just don't know if you want to do all this publicly.

Let me know, and I'll continue either here, or over direct messaging.

[Alexandra010]

You can continue here, maybe it will help another people too :)

[SteveSmith1985]

Sure. So, having SOME experience with female friends (as well as several people on here) and abusive relationships... I can appreciate that leaving is much easier said than done. The women who have partners who beat them, in my experience, don't 'stay' with them because they fear violence should they leave. It's the EMOTIAL ABUSE that always goes hand-in-hand with physical abuse, that's actually the big 'barrier' that keeps a woman from leaving.

So, I have come to understand that emotional abuse can be extremely powerful. I understand that you're really wanting to get-out, but also feel ill-equipped to resist the tactics he uses to 'convince' you to take him back.

I think that it's important to identify what he does to 'get you back' AS "a tactic". It's something he does, step by step in order to manipulate you out of your decision to leave.

Then, it's a matter of trying to prevent him from using these tactics, and drawing you back into a relationship you want to leave.

I guess the first step, is for you to decide that you DO want to leave. Not during a fight (ideally). But in the cold light of day. You need to be strong and sure yourself that this is what you want to do.

I have more to say, but can I ask where you are on that? Are you wavering and going back and forth as to whether you want to leave? or is it something you've decided for sure?

[Alexandra010]

After all these messages and after reading about “emotionally abusive relationship” as you told me, I can say that I am 100% sure that I don’t want to be stuck in this position.

[SteveSmith1985]

Meh, I'll continue and you can answer that later.

So what you need to look at, are some of the practical aspects of leaving. Do you have a place to go? Will you have the things you need to continue your studies, do you have a cat you're going to need to bring with you? etc. Just some of the actual practical things that you might need to get straightened out before you leave.

Then it's a matter of choosing your time.

Now, you have to basically 'steel yourself' against what you KNOW he is going to say and do when you break up with him.

1. His first step is to ask you for an explanation. That's not in-itself unreasonable. But being drawn-out into trying to justify your decision is unreasonable. YOU get to decide you want to leave this relationship. He has a right to ask "why". But all the explanation he is owed, is "I'm leaving because you're emotionally abusive and I no longer want to be with you."

[SteveSmith1985]

You are not asking for his approval. You are under no obligation to elaborate on your reasons. You are TELLING him your decision to leave. Not trying to "make a good case to him why you should". Just don't allow yourself to be drawn into that discussion... period. There is nothing to discuss. THe decision is YOURS. (you have a right to make that decision for yourself, fuck his approval)

2. He explains why he should get a second chance. You need to refuse to engage in this as well. There is nothing he can say. You've thought about it, and have made a decision. Nothing he can possibly say should change that (you've heard this bullshit before... you know you've already tried listening to this). You have to NOT ENGAGE that means... period. Just don't respond with anything but, i've already made my decision. DO NOT get into a conversation about WHY you're leaving or WHY you should give him a second chance. If you do, you'll be reeled back in.

3. Crocodile tears. You have to not break when he's crying and begging and telling you he'll change. Obviously it's hard to see someone you care about crying and hurt. But there is no way around it. He IS going to cry and beg and tell you he changed and swear on his mother's life that he'll change and blah blah blah.

You have to expect it. You have to anticipate it. You cannot let it sway you from your decision. It is a manipulative tactic. If he meant it, he would've changed after the last time you took him back, or the time before that. You simply are going to have to be strong.

[SteveSmith1985]

That being said: The best thing you can do is to not even give him a CHANCE to have the whole drawn out conversation taking you through his 3 steps of manipulating you into staying.

The very best thing you can do is to write a letter and just be gone when he comes home from work. THat's the surest way to keep him from manipulating you. Just don't give him the opportunity. Don't be "there" for him to plead with or cry to.

Short of that, you still need to make all your practical plans for leaving, get that all in order, and be ready to walk-out the door and into an Uber or better yet a friend's car when you tell him you're leaving.

You do not want to physically stick around after telling him you're leaving so that he has a chance to change your mind. You need to tell him, and be ready to leave right then.

This is not a regular "breakup". This is "escaping" an abusive relationship. A lot of the regular niceties need to be thrown out the window.

[SteveSmith1985]

If there are ANY resources available to you for abused women that would be way better help than anything I might suggest. You should really definitely look into that too (doesn't matter if they're talking about 'battered' women, it's the same shit basically)

[Alexandra010]

A letter sounds like a good idea, thanks. All this sounds like a huge escape plan. Maybe I will visit some psychologist too, so I can be ready to leave for the last time. Thank you very much, it was really helpful. I feel much better, thank you 🤍

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes!! You're totally on exactly the right track with how you're approaching this. You should DEFINITELY visit a psychologist if that's something that's possible to do. It would be even better to talk to someone who specifically helps women trying to escape, and newly escaped from abusive situations. But a psychologist is a million times better than nothing.

The point is; you're looking to 'marshal your resources'. And how "huge" the escape plan needs to be, is going to depend a lot on how you go about this. If you're open to the 'letter' option (and I'm so glad that you are) then you don't need to worry so much about countering his 'tactics' because you won't be around for him to use them on. The plan then becomes getting all your practical plans figured out.

If you have any friends or family who you would feel comfortable talking to about this, that will also be a huge help. But even if you don't doing things like seeking out a psychologist are exactly the types of things you should be looking to.

I'll be honest with you. I've talked to a fair number of women in abusive situations of varying degrees of severity. What I often end up having to fight against is "twisted thinking" (like someone with a blackened eye defending her relationship). That is often what's so hard to overcome. I see none of that twisted thinking in anything you've said. I have so much confidence that you're going to get out of this relationship. I think you're in the right mindset to do so.

Please do make your plans, seek out resources and supports, and do leave him with a letter. Whenever the time is right, but as soon as possible (obviously).

I want to wish you all the best. And I wish you a world of happiness on the other side of this, when you're free. Take care of yourself. You can do this. 🙂

[Alexandra010]

I am really grateful for your advices, thank you 🙏🏻

[SteveSmith1985]

You are so welcome! It makes me really happy that you're getting out of this. All the best! 🙂

[Changiis07]

He needs to be able to communicate and not be calling any names, if this continues then it's best to break it up for good. You shouldn't tolerate this behavior

[Guy13]

It is not an environment that I would personally remain in. Take care, be safe, and best with medical school.

[coachTanthony]

Get out. You know better deep down.

[Fireguy17]

good plan, you do not deserve that behavior from anyone. No one does.
Time to move on before it possibly gets worse.
That is the pattern of abuse, mistreatment, and an apology until the next time.
Many times, the anger escalates and will start to turn into physical abuse.
you can tell yourself that it is just the stress, but in reality that is who he is.
Find someone that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Life is too short to deal with that, always walking on eggshells, trying not to say the wrong thing, even wear the wrong clothes, it just doesn't stop, and even if you are Miss Perfect it still does not stop the abuse.
Nope cut the cord and say goodbye.

[AdithyaR]

Your situation reminds me of one of my closest friends and her boyfriend. Everytime he creates some false story in his mind because of his insecurities and projects it on her, and starts a fight, calling her all sorts of horrible things.
Then he'll break up and come back a few days later and she takes him back.

Please take the advice my friend fails to take. Leave him, for the sake of your mental health.

[Alexandra010]

Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️

[NikosBlackwood]

You've ticked off multiple of the boxes for an emotionally abusive relationship.
- Name calling/belittling is toxic no matter what.
- Frequently breaking up and getting back together again is a sign that you're either being manipulated or can't bring yourself to escape.
- "I'll change my behavior" and then not changing is empty and manipulative.

[NikosBlackwood]

I need to add- he is also love-bombing after each fight and breakup. This is a common (and nasty) tactic to keep you around and coming back.
Also:
- The feeling of walking on eggshells/a tightrope
- Blaming the abusive behavior on "you aren't doing enough"
With this and the other criteria filled, my advice is, GET OUT OF THERE.

[BCRanger10]

No, you should not. Saying ill-considered, emotional, and hurtful things in the heat of the moment happens sometimes, but the kind of stuff that he says is a different story. This is especially so if, as you said, you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him. A relationship is where you ought to be most comfortable, most at peace, where you should come to know yourself even better. If your relationship is giving you that kind of anxiety, then you ought to leave.

[es20490446e]

It remembers me of my pass relationship. I treated her extremely well. Despite of that she treated me extremely poor, very demanding and rude.

She always told me she wanted to change but, guess what, she never did. For instance it got worse.

So for me the answer is extremely clear, don't believe a single word. Look into their actions.

One thing is that someone gets angry at some point, other is them being shit most of the time.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/P6PAUs-aUG0

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you think that I am the standard troll here but I have experience in that.

I already counselled a girl like that successfully:

He is degrading you and you must stop this immediately: Tell him the next time he calls you a stupid cow (or something similar) he is degrading you and you will kick his balls but he can stay your boyfriend. You just have to punish him because you want to improve his behaviour.

So if he stays with you though then he is worth you and you are the winner

but if he terminates the relationship he was not worth it and you are the winner.

[Cheriecoco]

Leave him he won’t change, I’ve been there too I’ve been for 5 years and he was always telling people that I am the one responsible for what happens in our marriage, I started to develop depression and anxiety, he was always saying that he’ll change but till decided to end it myself cuz I was diagnosed with pleurisy due to stress. my advise for you is to leave him and never come back.

[dustybiker]

Your partner should be the one person that has your back no matter what. If they don’t, keep looking.

[Twalli]

He only disrespects you when you have arguments. When people are angry, they usually say things they regret or act in ways they regret. Obviously this hurts you, but do you think that you're the best version of yourself in arguments? Do your words and actions hurt him in arguments? I highly doubt you're all good and kind in arguments.

[Izzy_3991]

Leave him. Any form of abuse isn't right nor is it deserved.

[Izzy_3991]

www.theduluthmodel.org/.../PowerandControl.pdf

[Sparkie460]

Yes over time things will change, most likely it will get worse. Hopefully he won't start hitting you. It's very disrespectful of him to belittle you.

[Paul09]

Wow, get yourself a real Mann. This guy sounds like a child. There's no way he could become a doctor with that attitude.

[TheFlak38]

Think about the thousands of nice guys you friend zoned in favour of the asshole who treats you like shit. Sluts gets what they deserve.

[_Troian_]

Bahah he calls you a stupid cow? That sounds childish, I say go and find someone else you are with a boy not a man

[KrakenAttackin]

So you never nag, bitch, complain, argue? How much of this is your fault.

[Paul09]

Still no excuses for insults. Is he a man or a child?

[KrakenAttackin]

@Paul09 Don't be a simp.

[Random18x]

No reason to insult her, nagging or no nagging. You’re obviously a child

[KrakenAttackin]

@Random18x She's putting it all on her boyfriend.

[Alexandra010]

All I am doing is sitting in my room and learning. I don’t party, I don’t go out with my friends. I always try to be there when he is upset or so. And after so much time I can’t tell if there is something wrong with me or what 😅 that’s why I am asking for some advice :))

[AdithyaR]

Why are you always so bitter?

[Paul09]

He a man child that hates women, and name calls them too?

[KrakenAttackin]

@Paul09 @AdithyaR. Being simps will not get you laid. Being suckers will not help you ready your goals. Being chumps will not get you respect.

[KrakenAttackin]

I am so fucking tired of Simp Nation.

[Paul09]

Do you even know what being a simp means? Because I'm far from simping. I just know how to respect people and be nature about it.

[AdithyaR]

@KrakenAttackin if that your definition, I'd rather be a simp than be anything like you. I have no trouble with my current goals or getting respect from people.

[AdithyaR]

@KrakenAttackin also might be a surprise to you but it's easy to get into a relationship when you're just a genuine good person.
You should probably try that.

[Paul09]

@AdithyaR I wonder how he treats his mother.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Paul09 You Simps make me sick. And I treat your mother just fine.

[AdithyaR]

@Paul09 I'm more concerned at how treats people in general. If simply showing basic decency to a woman is simping, I wonder how he treats them normally. Does he do the same to men too cause he doesn't wanna be gay 🤣

[AdithyaR]

@KrakenAttackin ah yes mama jokes, the sign that someone's worth respecting 🙄
Did you try that thing i said called being a good person?

[KrakenAttackin]

@AdithyaR Go back to simping to try to get laid.

[AdithyaR]

@KrakenAttackin Thank you for your concern about my dating life 🤣🤣

[Paul09]

@AdithyaR I can't, it's like talking to a 14 year old

[AdithyaR]

@Paul09 yep, better to leave him be.

[lmh668]

No, you should leave him thinking that if he loves you, he won't contaminate you. 不，你应该让他认为如果他爱你，他不会。不，你应该让他想，如果他爱你，不，你应该让他想，如果他爱你，不，你应该让他想想他要做什么，不，你应该让他思考。不，你应该离开他。不，你应该。不，你。不是

[Luckycharms12]

Just read the headline if someone putting you down you should leave