Are some of us just unlucky in love?

Question

I've never had casual sex, have a healthy lifestyle, can still attract men, never smoked in my life and rarely drink, have a good weight (5'7 and 140-142 Ibs), have an education, not suffering any financial issues, somewhat quiet and shy at times and overall just don't ask for too much.

Yet, I've never in my life received a formal marriage proposal. NEVER. I don't want money nor care about the ring price. It can be a cheap plastic ring for all I care but at least get asked the question, stop being held back as just a girlfriend to be dumped later on... as a symbol of honor, of appreciation towards me.

I would be lying if I were to say it's no big deal and doesn't hurt me. Even though I pretend not to be affected and think positive towards life... I feel incomplete, totally unloved, useless and not good enough as a woman, as a human. Tears rolling down as I'm writing this.

Are some of us just simply unlucky at love?

AnUglyBarnacle · Accepted Answer

Some people are just unlucky, yes. And terrible luck can apply to anything, including love. Some individuals aren't even lucky enough to be born. Or, they never can catch a break.

One form of bad love luck is living in an area where you simply aren't on the same wavelength as others. For example, I would *never* want to try to look for a partner in a place like Las Vegas, LA, London, Paris, or anywhere else that's extremely materialistic and hedonistic. I'm also a rural farming person, so the chances of finding someone who wants that lifestyle in an urban or sub-urban culture is quite rare. Then there's the issue of most quality women in my area being taken. Again, unlucky.

On the marriage thing: I'm a one woman kind of man. I detest constantly meeting new people and never progressing to anything. I want to find a person, reach the comfortable stage, and stay with them. To just be done. HOWEVER, even with all this, I have zero interest in marrying legally until family and divorce law changes. I'm not just marrying her but also the whole legal apparatus. There are more and more men who feel this way, even if they love their girlfriends. This could be a problem for you and maybe why a few won't propose. I'd rather have a small church wedding to make it official and then never get the government involved at all by signing something.

There's also the issue of whom you're wanting to marry you. Women chasing successful, charismatic, hot men not on their level is the equivalent of dudes chasing sexy women above them. They'll date you so long as you give them what they want (sex for the hot dude and money for the hot chick). They never really care about you, though, and will leave once a better option comes along and / or the resource dries up. I attempt to be fair to both sexes on here, but at the current time, women truly do try to punch above their weight class in terms of pairing up, at least relative to what men will accept.

What type of men are you dating and wanting to propose?

Lastly, as someone around your age: women tend to start getting all serious about marriage in their early 30s. They stop being fun and can become very pushy. With how divorce and family laws tend to work now, a man might think that you're being aggressive and trying to trap him for later financial exploitation.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I have no idea who you are or what you have or haven't done, so if these things don't apply, don't take it personally.

Since you are specifically looking for marriage, you definitely need to vet every man you consider dating and don't move forward unless they are also looking to be married within 2 years (you need a time frame, or some guys who aren't serious will lie - even to themselves sometimes - and figure they will just keep delaying). This will eliminate many guys, including some you really like, but you cannot change a man - you need to find one who ALREADY wants to be married.

You also need to be able to attract the kind of man you are looking for, and so you need to understand what they are likely to want in a potential wife. The vast majority of men who want to be married today are men who desire children and a legacy, and this almost always means that they are looking for a wife who wants to stay home and raise them at least until they are in school full time (1st grade).

Generally, they aren't going to care about your degree or career - those are not only NOT seen as a plus, but they are often a minus to a guy, because those things usually mean the women has prioritized them over a family. These men generally want feminine, nurturing women who prioritize him and the kids rather than a career, at least while the kids are young. Once they are in school, they don't need a parent every minute of the day, and you can have a job or career if you want one.

You may know all this already, but the truth is that few women are taught these things anymore, and most women today don't know anything about how to attract a husband, much less a traditional, family-oriented man, so most women try to date men who are anything but those men, hoping to change them, and that just doesn't ever work.

I'm giving you the basic formula for success, but it's up to you to do the work and make it happen, and to always keep your long-term goals in mind, and not focus so much on the short-term stuff.

Socialbee28 · Accepted Answer

Ironically, many men DO want a stable committed relationship but like the value of beauty to us, their careers/money are important to them. Additionally, what family backgrounds are these guys growing up in? Divorced, separated, dysfunctional or have they seen a good stable relationship? In ny family, those who have grown in stable families, are the ones who have offspring in stable relationships. In my own case, I was married, but my family's lifestyle was unstable (regularly moving, change, separation from my family from the age of 10 as we are diplomats.) My parent's 50th anniversary was yesterday, but I'm divorced since December 2016. I grew up unconsciously attempting to emotionally stabilize and adapt to new environments, but usually they were shortlived and had to move on. It has only been in my latter years that I have remained in place/city/country.
My ex-husband grew up in a broken home & didn't know how to build a marital relationship. We had no emotional growth together which affected every other aspect. Once I divorced, his parting words were..."I pity you, most guys will only want to sleep with you & hardly any would marry you."
I'm a decent caring, kind, patient, and serious woman. I can be lighthearted and fun as my male friends tell me. I take care of myself. I get attention from men, but most are from broken backgrounds. Only if a guy sorts himself out mentally or if his personality doesn't allow him to be affected by his parent's dysfunction, only then would he be able to go forth in a healthy relationship. I say this to women too. And I think about you, dear asker. You're highlighted areas which colour your thought process..."I'm shy... I pretend not to be affected and think positive towards life... I feel incomplete, totally unloved, useless and not good enough as a woman, as a human... ugly." Until you work on improving this state of mind (get help from a counsellor or therapist), no serious man will want to carry this. It is not a man's responsibility to make you feel good about you. You need to stand tall and sort yourself out before you attract a similar man. Like attracts like. A man is your compliment not your rescuer. You will notice a shift in the type of man who approaches you once you change your mindset. It will be well.

Adaeva · Accepted Answer

I've never had a formal marriage proposal either. However, I date lots of teenage boys and mostly in fun, some have hinted at it. Therefore, I don't anticipate that getting marriage proposals will be a problem in a few years. The thing is that although my standards are high as, in my case, they should be, they are not so high that I will only date the most popular boys who generally don't give me much attention and, other than a little light flirting, typically don't ask to date me.

Therefore, I doubt that per sa that you are unlucky in love, only that that you must make your luck by having realistic obtainable standards. You are ten years past your prime so a few men you would have rejected when you were twenty will no longer want you. However, there are plenty of men that would ask the woman you describe if given the opportunity. If your standards prevent you from attracting the men you want, you must lower your standards enough to attract the men you can have or forgo marriage.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

People that have a lot of good luck, rarely understand those who have bad luck. They think because they often have random good things happen to them, without much thought or trying, that it works that way for everyone.

On the flip side, those of us that have random bad things happen, that we can't seem to escape no matter what.

I can't say I am unlucky in love, but I am unlucky in life. If there was a one in a billion chance of being hurt, I'd win that... if there was a one in a billion chance of something great happening, I'd never win that.

I can fine love, I just can't find anything that lasts forever... things always seem great but then something changes.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

If you decide that it's "bad luck," then you aren't responsible for what has happened and there's really nothing you can do to change "bad luck" if that's what it is.

If it's not bad luck, then you need to engage in some self-examination to determine what you have done to contrbute to this situation, BUT. . . that means that there's something you can do about it.

Summeroflove · Answer

Because you need to pray and God will bring you the right guy when it’s time you seem like a great woman and maybe Gods keeping you from who isn’t right.

Guy13 · Answer

I don't know what to say. I have been there at times in my life so I have some understanding but still no idea... especially being a man.

Maybe this should be set as a girl question only... We're likely just to make it worse. Hope I'm not. Take care.

Anonymous · Answer

Eh. Sometimes getting engaged (which is often considered a BIG deal and a BIG sign of seriousness and "true love") can be overrated. I know multiple friends who have been proposed to multiple times, been "engaged" multiple times (sometimes the same guy).

Some where engagements more in name than how they'd treat each other. Some were having daily loud screaming fights in public (almost getting to brawls) where cops would get called. Several relationships barely lasted a year, from first date to finalized divorce. But they get to have drama, and get all kinds of congratulations and get to obsess over wedding stuff they couldn't afford, even if the two were beating each other to a bloody pulp.

I don't think everyone DESERVES to be in a relationship. We all know not every relationship is healthy, or good. We kind of see the social media storybook of people's lives, and get jealous, or we assume everything is falling perfectly into place, when it might not be. We see the parties, and the engagements and the baby talk to their spouses. We see the "Always and forever, Boo" and we think "Why not me?" But, in between those "always and forevers" there's sometimes the days where both consider divorce (or murder) and things are hanging by a thread. That, we don't see.

I'd rather be single than in a horrible marriage, where my wife barely stands me for years. Where I'm forbidden from having friends or having a (healthy) hobby I enjoy.

I'm glad I'm "unlucky in love" as opposed to being divorced and forbidden from seeing my children - controlled by the ex... or where they make me into the villain so the kids hate me... or being accused of molesting my kids (or even "just" physical abuse/neglect)... all of which I have had friends who have had this happen (none of the accusations being true). Sometimes being unlucky in love is also dodging a bullet.

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because it's of quality, and it takes a lot of work to maintain, and it's real, and treated with care. But sometimes the grass is greener because it's astroturf or it's painted... or because it's been replaced every other night when no one can see what's going on.

Anonymous · Answer

Where do you live? The more liberal parts of the country tend to have (regardless of their own political beliefs) men who are more reluctant to marry even. Reason being:

1. It’s easier for a man to get casual sex from women who lean left. Those women feel less guilt in general about promiscuity. So whether it’s good or bad it’s easier for the guy to get his sexual needs met without getting serious.

2. Men are terrified of marrying the wrong woman and getting destroyed in a divorce. Women who lean left usually feel less guilt about destroying men if they no longer find them attractive or useful. Feminism encourages that. Just ask Amber Herd.

3. He might get engaged and sacrifice for you. But feel you change your mind or worse fall in love with someone else and cheat on him. This is another thing more liberal women feel less guilt about.

Again I am not saying anything about your personal policial views. Rather it’s more about what guys around you are used to. So I would take a good look at environment.

Also while I want you to be confident in your looks I really do wonder what you look like. Not all thin women are conventionally pretty.

DiegoO · Answer

"I've never had casual sex, have a healthy lifestyle, can still attract men, never smoked in my life and rarely drink, have a good weight (5'7 and 140-142 Ibs), have an education, not suffering any financial issues, somewhat quiet and shy at times and overall just don't ask for too much."

I can understand your desire to reassure a relationship and give it the religious/legal formality. Most women's seek for the same. My concern has to do more with your concept of love. Do you really relate it to marriage? If so, did your ex partners shared it?

We usually commit the mistake to skip key questions and surrender to the feeling of the moment. If none of your partners expressed the desire to have children, you really did lose your time with expectations you probably had while your partners did not.

Psychologist suggest to make a list of 10 things you like from a partner. Qualities that are a top ten for you. After making the list, compare it to each guy you date.

7/8+ (suitable match)

-1/6 (unsuitable match)

SlavicThor · Answer

This probably won't be the type of answer you're looking for in terms of direct answer...

But to understand more of what's going on I need to know a few things. How are you relationships generally?:

1. controlling, anxious, insecure? or the opposite

2. sweet, giving, and loving? Generally anway in short if you could describe how you treated him?

We are complex, women and men love and feel differently. Men act more on logic, women act more on emotions. But, we both have one thing in common we tend to push one another away if there's a lack of respect/trust in tandum with focusing on the 'relationship' rather than the individual and a partner's wants/needs along with smothering behaviour or overly to overly persue with conditional love expecting in return

On the other hand, if one provides too much love and affection without reciprocation it will be taken for granted and cause boredom from the receiving end and will cause them to leave as their partner lacks self respect...

Labokachulaa · Answer

I've felt the same way as you at some point. There's nothing wrong with you, I don't know what it is specifically but it sounds like you're one of the good girls too. Your heart is kind and for some reason people reject it. But, usually, it's the broken people they run due to fear and sometimes the assholes respect it enough to not mess with you. They don't want to be that guy who ruins you. That's what I've heard anyways. I would count this as a win instead of a loss. Why? Look at others who have the things you described and it's only because they care for their image. They're not even happy most of them. From what I hear and see on social media about dating and these new relationships, girl you're lucky. You're dodging all of the nonsense.

Rosexøxø · Answer

Possibly, in the sense it’s about what a person believes and how much they are willing to uphold it or let it go. It’s sad either way-

if you let it go, or uphold it and no one matches.

My only suggestion is to keep a positive outlook. Don’t hope in anything. Be grateful in what you’ve got. Be open to being surprised, but do what you need to ensure that you’re happy and content with your life first and that has much to do with appreciating people and loving yourself and first being in love with LIFE.

Then the rest will be added joy and if companionship arises, you’ll find a better match with better chances if you’re not sad beforehand.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

"Unlucky" implies you didn't have a say in the matter but you said elsewhere that your 2 boyfriends were from dysfunctional families & contributed little to the relationship.

That's not unlucky, that's you not vetting men & likely getting involved with whoever said hello or showed some interest in you. That's a lack of standards, not "unlucky" in love.

If you improved your dating standards to reflect what you said - educated, healthy lifestyle, etc. - instead of settling with whoever says Hi you'd cease to be "unlucky".

JanaTalks · Answer

I've thought about this before and its something I ponder over a lot. I guess you can call it unluckiness but ya I do believe some people just may not find the right one and marry them just the way I believe that there'll be some people who never settle down because they'll just never cross paths with someone who can steal their heart who they truly connect with. It doesn't necessarily have to do with your looks, perhaps the guys you dated just didn't feel a true deep connection with you which is why they've never proposed. Statistically speaking there has to be someone out there for you and someone who will feel a true deep connection with you, but will you cross paths with you? that's the thing, you may or may not.

TenderFantasy · Answer

Try being 38 and single no kids lol.

I was proposed to... by a homeless drug addict a while back... maybe I was desperate lol, but he WASN"T homeless (at least) in the past, but yes on the drugs and drinking. Maybe I needed to raise my standards at that time lol.

I feel the same way too sometimes but not to the point that I have tears running down my face. I feel there's only so much you can control in this life so I take it as it is, or as I am able to endure. Sounds serious and sad? It's whatever. I am getting older and it's not a life and death situation to never be married... but in terms of having children, I MAY or may not still do it, but alone. Either through adoption or IVF, etc.

I WISH I could have everything I dreamed of as a child but what can I do? ? ! I read somewhere that as long as there is life there is hope. I am hanging onto that quote tightly!

MCheetah · Answer

If luck has anything to do with it, then I'm certainly one of the least lucky in love. Sh*tty height, sh*tty skin tone/complexion, sh*tty face, sh*tty body, sh*tty small dick.

But I think you may be that same chick from a few days ago; the one who described herself as "nice and jolly," and was doing nothing but talking mad sh*t to everyone in the comments and insulting everyone for no reason; mainly from not wanting to show a cropped/partially obscured image of herself of GAG. If you're not her, I apologize. But if you're that same crazy chick, then get help!

CrazyGirl2 · Answer

I don’t know if some people are unlucky in love. I do know that guys at MY college are completely unrealistic when it comes to how they look compared with the women they are asking out! It may have little to do with YOU being “ugly” as you suggest, and more to do with below average looking guys asking out above average looking women!
I try to tell guys here that they need to be more realistic about the level of women they are asking out. So I do worry about really nice, sweet, average looking women these days. Guys who should be asking average looking women out, are asking out 7’s, 8’s, and 9’s, believing they are genuinely good looking enough when they clearly and observably are not.

RavVid · Answer

I think some of us are unlucky in love. Obviously you want marriage - an eduring relationship - rather than a year or so of romantic love as a girlfriend.

With marriages lasting an average of only 8 years then obviously a lot of people will have reluctance to sign up to that now social norm with all the heartache and financial loss divorce entails.

Further, at some point in our lives, the people who are available to us as potential partners are all failures - including ourselves. That is they & we failed to develop a stable long term relationship. So that tends not to bode well with a bad track record on both sides.

I have no idea of what a solution might be

DarkWinterNights · Answer

Hmm, reading through your post and to your replies to other people. Nothing is jumping out. You aren’t promiscuous, you don’t have unrealistic expectations, you’re actually attracting guys and getting into relationships. You don’t sound unattractive. You aren’t poor, you aren’t expecting too much. Though.. you noted that your last boyfriend had poor hygiene and financially unstable. I don’t suggest women increase their standards, but you may be the exception.

It may not make you feel better, but you aren’t the only one in your 30’s who feels pretty hopeless about the dating world.

Ekvark · Answer

In this current era you gonna get a harder time finding what you want. Because almost everyone is doing their own thing and don't want to compromise even a little if at all which is w/e it is what it is. I saw someone say that men care more about their jobs/career and the beauty of the woman. This is just untrue and seems to be some internalized issues. In reality it's just hard to find exactly what you want these days. I have been in a relationship 10 years and I haven't proposed because I don't like the idea that society has imposed that you have to get married and that it is the end all be all of love.

exitseven · Answer

I don't know what is going on with you. Sometimes it I'd just luck. However you can make your own luck. You have heard this before but you have to meet as many guys as you can. I am not saying hang out in bars and pick up guys. You have to find places where compatible guys hang out. I went to college at night when I was older. I was already married but I couldn't help but notice that there were quite a few single women that were attractive in my classes. I also ran into some in my professional life. Again, I was married but I could see the possibilities.

Try and be the best version of yourself and be pleasant and engaging. Do not turn down a friendship from a guy because you never know who you can meet.

A lot of people go through this. I was rejected a few times and had some bad relationships. The truth is that I had planned on giving up for a while maybe forever the day before I met my future wife.

Anonymous · Answer

I've always been unlucky in love. But I believe in the saying 'you attract who you are ' . I've always attracted the wrong type of guys due to my personality. I have never set boundaries and I'm an empath. So the type of guys who have always homed in on me are narcissists or controlling and abusive men.

I'm trying to make changes to my personality so I stop attracting certain types of guys

I have so much love to give. I long to love and feel loved by a guy who'll be there for me like I'd be there for him. For now houfh, I've given up on funding love. I'm working on my own self-esteem and self-love first

Are some of us just unlucky in love?

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