Do you believe that a relationship should always be "fair"?

Question

As children, we are told that we must be "fair" to other people, and that usually involves treating them the way we would want to be treated. So, when we start dating, most of us believe that relationships should be "fair." For most, that implies that both participants should make a substantially equal effort for their partner. But some people have different ideas about what "fairness" means, and some people get extremely upset when they decide their partner isn't being "fair."

All relationships can't always be fair. I am getting married on April 27 and my fiancee (who lived in China until she was 29 years old) knows NOTHING about American weddings, and that is what she wants: an American wedding. So I must do all of the planning. I could complain that isn't fair, but what does that accomplish?

I think "fair" isn't a useful concept for relationships. It should be replaced with two questions: are you getting your needs met in the relationship, and is your partner usually contributing to the best of his or her abilities? If the answers are "yes" and "no," then it is most likely a healthy relationship. What do you think?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

There's a HUGE difference between being taken advantage of and things being slightly "unfair". If you are upset because you have vacuumed 52 times that year and your partner only vacuumed 47 times, you are being ridiculous. But if you have someone who works 8 hours a day and then comes home and does chores, and the other doesn't work and doesn't do chores, THAT is the kind of "unfair" that's a real problem.

As the man in the relationship, I expect to have to do most or all of the most physically demanding jobs - which are often miserable hard labor jobs. I repair/replace the fences, I build the outdoor structures, I make physical repairs to the house, I maintain the vehicles, I fix the plumbing and electrical, and I installed and maintain all of the networking, WiFi, and SmartHome stuff, and all of the entertainment (TVs, speakers, etc.). Oh, and I mow the lawn, trim the trees, and maintain the sprinkler systems. That is all work. If my girl was living with me, then I would not expect her to do any of those things - but I would expect her to take care of most of the inside chores. Yes, those chores normally need to be done every day or at least every other day, while some of mine might be months apart (but, in reality, I always have a list and I work on items almost every day), but my list has many more items on it and that work is a lot harder than vacuuming or dusting or doing a load of laundry.

To me, what's "fair" isn't a precise 50/50 split, because that's not really possible or practical. Instead, "fair" is for everyone to pull their weight - and that weight isn't ever going to be identical for each person, but you pull the share that belongs to you and you help out the other person here and there when they really need it. That's "fair" to me.

Constatine · Accepted Answer

Fair in a relationship is sharing.

Ok so you have to plan an america wedding? Shut up and do it.🤣😂.. you love her.. you will do that for her...

There will be a day that something " china " is coming along the way which you know nothing about .. her turn.. she will handle that one.

Fair in a relationship is sharing..

You pay for the house , she will pay other bills. You work she stays at home and do house things ( it may be the other way around as well ) . She may know how to paint the house.. you don't... you rebuild the house.. etc etc

Same thing ones you have kids.. you do it together. You get up in the middle of the night to change the baby... she gets up to feed it...

When you do things together in a relationship... it is " fair "

19magic · Accepted Answer

I saw this thing awhile back and it really moved me. I think it was a clip from the show loose women or something.

Me and my husband check on each other. There is times we'd wake up or come home and we'll give it 100%. There are times when it'll be 50/50, there are days when he'll come home and tell me he's at 30, well that's alright I'll bring 70, there are days when I'll be at 20 and he'll being 80. There has also been days when he'll be on 10 and I'll be on 20, those days we'll order take out, take as much stress off our plates as we can, be conscious of what we're saying. Those snide remarks or annoyance mutterings is how resentment and hurt starts. Some times that means being alone, other times that means we're together but just in each others presence. But that's the philosophy we have and 30 years later we're still going strong.

So it's not about a relationship being fair but rather you have each other, overall that give and take should be equal, rather than fair.

qupid911 · Accepted Answer

Relationships will never be fair. You can have compromises, bad days, or even bad situations that require one person to pick up more slack for a hot minute. Nothing in life is fair

coachTanthony · Answer

Well I believe in mutual respect and compromise and hopefully in the end it's fair.

Avicenna · Answer

As long as one party isn't taking advantage of the other, it's whatever both sides mutually agree on

MysticAngel5000 · Answer

I have never broken up a relationship because it was "unfair" exactly. I have broken up with people due to it not working out for whatever reason though.

Life is NOT fair all the time and NO relationship is perfect. You will absolutely argue at times. You aren't always going to like or agree with everything your partner says/does. This is where maturity and communication comes into play. Talk to your partner. Set up ground rules and non-negotiables... as in things you absolutely will no tolerate at all (example - drug use, gambling, smoking, etc.). With other things, express yourself. Let your partner know why what they did/said bothered you. Let them speak their case as well (without interrupting them or berating them). Express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy manner and you can probably work out an agreement of some sort.

Relationships are a 2 way street. It takes both people doing their part to make it work. If it's one-sided, it isn't going to work/last. Relationships should be built on trust, respect, honesty and communication. Sometimes, you won't get your way. That is the case in life in general and that's ok. You can't always get what you want and things won't always go according to plan. It's just how things are. If you go into a relationship expecting it and your partner to be perfect, you'll be in for one rude awakening.

femalepretzelmaker · Answer

Expectations in a Relationship: Reasonable vs Unrealistic

Brenda Gil, Seattle Therapist
Jun 25, 2021
How do we know if we’re asking too much from our partners? What if we’re asking too little? Expectations can shape the dynamics, set the tone for the relationship, and cultivate an atmosphere of support and safety. However, it is important to distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable expectations to avoid emotional distress from unmet needs or impossible standards.

What are expectations in a relationship?
Some may believe its best to not expect anything from your partner to avoid being let down. However, expectations may actually support you with cultivating healthy relationships. You may want to shoot for a “good enough” relationship that balances high expectations and recognizes unreasonable expectations in order to form a well-rounded partnership. Expectations may look like rules or guidelines to make sure all partners are contributing to and receiving the benefits of the relationship.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I don't think always fair, but mostly and work towards contributing as well as valuing each others contributions. not everything is valued in dollars, don't measure, but do be aware of each and work towards goodness of the family.

Do not sit back and hold a grudge... if not "fair", communicate and work towards balance.

It's all yin and yang I guess... whatever that means. Balance! We all started out playing on a teeter totter, it was fun, and both playing makes it fun, even when it goes up and down.

ShellyB · Answer

I think both partners need to feel like it is fair overall. Not every individual thing has to be fair, the example you gave about planning the wedding sounds unfair but maybe she makes up for that in other ways, which would make it fair overall. And I also think it's important to say that it's about the two people in the relationship thinking it is fair, not anybody else's idea about what fairness is, you do not need to split every task 50/50, or you can if you like, but it is whatever these two people agree on and think works for them. JMO!

clovertheminotaur · Answer

I think "fair" is less about equality and more about finding the right balance that doesn't make it one sided. My boyfriend sacrified his recklessness and became more peaceful because I've asked him to, and in return I give him all the love I can give. It's not inherently "fair" since I didn't really have recklessness/anger to set aside, yet I think we found a good balance where both of us are happy.

Lady_Heart · Answer

Relationship ain't fair. A man and woman responsibilities are different, its more like Relationship should be complementary and ofc respect is so important. I broke up with my ex because he was a manipulative narcissistic. And i defined Relationship based on my experience.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

A lot of things aren't really "fair". There are times when one person might seemingly do something that might appear that they aren't doing their share or whatever. Unless it is of much consequence, a lot of the time the perceived unfairness can just be overlooked. And there are times when the balance might go the other way anyway.

MiddleAgedClimbee · Answer

I think two people in a relationship always going to have different rules and expectations in that relationship. Each partner could always say the other isn't pulling their weight or her but the relationship is unbalanced or unfair., And I'm sure that happens. Understanding your partners needs and, your own needs in a relationship are one of the best ways to stay away from the "unfair claims".

lilBigPotato · Answer

Yes but that doesn't mean that every little thing you do needs to be fair it's more a general thing... Like I love and help you with everything I have and I expect the same in return. Of course everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and being in a relationship also means balancing those out. Just because I do something all by myself doesn't mean that it's unfair, just that the other person will return the favour in a different way

Bigmell · Answer

Some things in relationship should be fair others I really don't care for so I'm the type of guy I would let mine girlfriend get away with a lot of stuff or not doing stuff because I would just go back and do it myself and I'm the type of guy I just like to cater in service my woman so therefore if I cook both of us dinner I don't care about having to clean or wash the dishes if I wash the clothes I don't care if she doesn't put them in the dryer I'll put them in the dryer but I'm not going to fold them that's her you know some things don't have to be fair all the time a small stuff I just do it and just let the relationship keep going

CubsterShura · Answer

It should overall be fair, but it is completely natural to have fluctuations throughout. Sometimes you will be the one carrying more responsibilities and sometimes you will be very low on your effort battery and your partner will pick it up. As long as there isn't an imbalance in the relationship you should be fine. Trying to achieve ultimate fairness at all times is unrealistic and will cause a lot of unnecessary stress.

BadApple69 · Answer

Life isn’t fair…. Why do you believe relationships would be? There is always going to be one person who makes out better in a relationship than the other. How do you measure fairness anyway?
I believe in giving 100% to my girl and I try to do all I can for her... I don't feel she does the same. But is her 80% better than my 100%... Perhaps it is.
Nothing is fair, nothing is equal. If you love her/him give them 100% of yourself, that's all you can do.

electromagnetic · Answer

It’ll never be fair and I’m absolutely okay with that. As long as compromises are made that everyone can mutually agree to, it’ll be okay.
I cannot cook but I can clean. It’s not fair that my partner has to cook everyday and I do help, but realistically speaking, it’s not fair and I know he gets tired of it. But I clean everything up to make up for it. Compromises. Just like I’ll always entertain the horrible family members on his behalf so he can focus on other things.

inhua · Answer

fairness and equality in relationships don't exist no matter how much people push for it

when an intruder breaks into a home, it's the man's duty to confront them even if he's tired, sick or injured. even if the intruder is armed and has accomplices

PositiveFlight · Answer

I selected other so let me explain. I think people are fooling themselves if they think that their relationship will always be fair. People are setting themselves up for failure because there comes a point in every relationship where one of the two is going to be weaker due to whatever circumstances that may arise. This is why I value marriage when people actually take it serious because it specifically commits one another to be there for each other not just in the the best of times but actually in the worst of times. In the worst of times, one may have to pull double the weight. This is based out of pure love, selflessness, and service toward the other.

If people would go into a relationship and ultimately marriage with a mentality of “how can I be of service“ vs “what’s in it for me“? Perhaps society would be much better off than it is right now. Which is why the last few generations have been labeled as the “me“ generation.

jshm2 · Answer

There is no such thing as "fair". It's a construct invented to throw in a cry for help, because you have nothing else to reasonably support your argument.

It's why children and entitled people use it so much.

As for relationships, of course they are not equal - nor are they meant to be. But you both get out what you put in.

sheenagwapa · Answer

i've been tryinhh so hard to inderstand someone because i thought he is my soulmate but now i'm questioning if indeed he is my soulmate. i suffered so much in the hands of this person. he is simply a harsh person. it's jusr his pereonality. it has nothing to do with him being neurotypical. it is just who he is. i'm extremely thankful for his life saving help with my ocd but he is just a hitler type. i simply could not imagine myself being with this person. a lifetime is long way to go i don't think i will have that endurance.

FreyaRed · Answer

I tried this one time with fairness and cooperation because of idealism that I imagined between two loving people. Reality is unfortunately more brutal and unforgiving. Gratitude for personal sacrifices doesn't exist among people. Making pressure and mental manipulation until your partner starts to fear he will lose you is more effective than hoping on his respect. Fairness isn't beneficial for emotional interaction among people, we are animals and have specific programming that despises fairness in long run. However people love illusion of it.

Do you believe that a relationship should always be "fair"?

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