Lately I've been thinking about my various experiences and interactions with people here on GaG, as my 2 year anniversary is coming up. Some of them quite frustrating, a scary stalker incident or two, but the vast majority have been enjoyable, enlightening, and straight up funny.
So with that said, I felt the urge to take a look back and write about my own FAQ's.
As a white girl from the south, obviously I'm a toothless, racist, dim-witted redneck who plans to marry her cousin Billy-Bob.
Yes. It's true. I confess. Being from the American South makes me racist by birth. I hate anyone that's not white, and even most whites that aren't southern. My family only shares one tooth brush so I only get to use it twice a week. But when Billy Bob and I get married, we are gonna ask for one for a wedding gift, so I can use it at night and he can use it every morning. But we'll have to live in the school bus room-addition to mom and daddy's trailer.
I just turned 21, so I'm about 5 or 6 years behind at getting pregnant. I'll be getting busy on that right away to catch up with my sisters and cousins.Of course, I don't know what a college looks like, but we get the football games on the TV, which is great. I can't wait until we can afford a color one.
As a female that loathes slurs and particularly slut shaming, I must be a Feminazi or some sort of Free Speech hating fascist
You got me. I spend my time defending the U.S. Constitution and specifically the Bill of Rights only when it works in my favor. I hate men except when I need or want one. Feminists also worship me for my stance on insisting that Hitlary Klinton should be in prison for her various crimes and treason.
Everyone knows that just because you have "the right" to do or say something, that by God you always should. By all means, say it, do it. Never be prudent. Ever.
I never mean what I actually say. In fact I'd prefer that other people twist my words completely around. Like when I suggest that we call should voluntarily stop using slurs against others (eliminate from our personal vocabularies) - what I really mean is that we should ban specific words that I don't personally like, from the English language. Because as a conservative Constitutionalist Feminazi that would rather chew her arm off before voting democrat - it's all about ME.
As a former cheerleader, I must be beautiful and popular
OMG I hate to say it, but this is sooooo true! Competition cheerleading has nothing to do with hard work, skills, year round practice, conditioning, dedication, team work, injuries, blood, sweat, or tears.
Really what you do is....just make sure that all of the other girls like you. Have perfect makeup and hair. Be mean to other girls, and snotty to most boys as well. Act like you're too good for everyone, except for Chad Thundercock...who you will go to prom with.
That's exactly what I did to win two National Championships and many more State Championships. You just have to be mean, pretty, stupid and popular. That's my secret. ;)
I'm a GaG moderator. There IS a conspiracy against you regular users.
Exposing this for the first time ever on GaG, if I disappear soon after posting this, you'll know that I was eliminated for revealing secrets of the VVSS.
Conspiracy theorists have been right all along. Moderators know you. They can see anons. They know where you live. We have secret meetings in a super secret location once a week. Not unlike the 33rd level of Free Masons, once a moderator rises to the level of Uber Mod....we can turn on the cameras and microphones on your phones and computers. We can see you naked and we watch you while you sleep.
I've been feeling guilty for a while, so I needed to get this off of my chest. I have tons of screen shots I've captured with my Uber Mod spy technology of dudes wanking while they are private messaging on GaG pretending to be a girl. It's become an addiction and I need help.
The fact that I refuse to post a profile pic or give my name and information in a PM, I'm either a catfish or paranoid.
YES, it's both. Everyone on GaG knows that if you have a profile pic, that makes you 100% real. No one could ever fake that. I mean shoot, if I get a couple of imagur pics from you, and I see that your profile has a pic, you're 100% real and could not possibly be completely full of shit. So yeah, I'm positively 100% catfish.
Of course I'm also paranoid. Because no one could ever find out who you are and where you live from a tiny bit of personal information and a pic or two right? So yeah...dudes that message me asking for my name, my pics, my Snapchat, my KiK...I'm delusional. I'm paranoid. I'm straight up crazy. Those things could never, ever happen. You don't want to know me anyway.
So, you can just check me off your list. I'm crazy. All girls think that guys are stalking them anyway. Hell, we are all crazy.
I must be a hypersensitive baby or at least easily "butt hurt" because I blocked you on GaG.
OK, you got me again. I'm thinned skinned baby that wants to trample your Right to "free speech". I talk shit that I can't back up, and I get my feelings hurt when you're right and I'm wrong. I really DO have all day to go back and forth in a thread with some dogmatic, argumentative, antagonistic, trolling fucktard, I just pretend that I actually have a life. I really don't. I just can't take the infinite wisdom that you spew forth to the point that I must block you and stick my head in the sand.
We all know that everyone here is very open-minded. No one comes here to troll or argue for the sake of arguing. In fact, most of the time, when one person makes a good point, the other person will say "oh. You're right. I was wrong. I never thought of it that way". Happens all the time here on GaG. It's how we roll. But not me. I just get so hurt so easily. So when I block you, it has nothing to do with you being a troll, intentionally obtuse, or a flat out fucktard. It's because "you won". Whew....glad I was able to finally confess.
I'm an insecure wannabe attention seeking whore because I plan to have breast augmentation surgery.
This is a tricky one. While I desperately seek the input of all the men of GaG telling me how my small boobs are awesome the way they are....i just want a little more. I mean I never ask guys for their opinion about it, but so many of them are so warm and kind to tell me how "most guys like small boobs" and "you shouldn't get implants" etc, etc, that's really what I was after all along. It has nothing do do with anything, other than me wanting to hear from guys that I didn't ask what they think about girls that barely have any boobs - or are very flat-chested.
Also, I must want them (boobs) so that I can take selfies all day long of my new enhanced cleavage, and flaunt them at bars with low cut tops so that guys that I have no interest in, will approach me and ask for my number. That is my plan. I love spending my time teasing guys that I have no interest in, only to be a complete and utter bitch to their face when I reject their advances. It has nothing to do with me wanting to improve my look for myself. It's all about social pressure, insecurity, and what guys think.
And since every guy can always tell every time a girl has "fake tits". I guess that won't be a concern for me, as it seems to be a "deal breaker" for so many of them. So many girls that I know that are petite, thin, pretty, and smart that have had conservative augmentation to get to a B or C cup, are constantly rejected by dudes, because they can obviously tell she's had surgery (while checking her out in a restaurant), and must be an attention whore who's boobs feel like baseballs. Yep. Busted. (See what I did there?).
And that circles me back around to my cousin Billy-Bob. He won't mind. He thinks my sister-in-law has awesome "fake tits".
I'm a prude because I'm still a virgin, yet I must be promiscuous because I loathe the word "slut".
It's true. I'm a virgin slut. Because I don't fancy handing my V-card to some douchebag frat boy, I have to be a self-righteous prude, saving it for my wedding night with my cousin Billy-Bob. (I mean, it is Tennessee after all). But living on a college campus, and hating the fucking shaming that virgins get, I secretly go to adult bookstores and give BJs to random dudes through a glory-hole. But it's all good for two reasons. One, I wear a Lone Ranger mask, so it's really not me. And two, it's just a BJ so I'm still a virgin.
I totally judge other people on GaG for their sexual activity (or lack thereof). I especially love debating with slut shamers. They love to post a link to the definition of the word "slut". Which leads to the word "promiscuous", which leads to the word "many" (in relation to sexual partners), which is a number that can't be quantified. And they lock up.
I so enjoy those. Because every slut shamer has a number in their mind that is the over/under as to whether or not a girl qualifies as a "slut". Every slut shamer has the exact same number in mind, and there's also a matching graph that increases the number by age of the woman. So...really, there's no debate right? It makes it easy for all of us. No debate. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
As a side note, my very first GaG block, was a muslim American high school kid, who told me that his sisters were not allowed to wear two-piece bathing suits, as that would get them raped. In America. Not kidding.
Cheer Girl is a meanie who's out to get you.
Yes. I seek out people at random, especially pink and blue anons for the sole purpose of being mean to them. Since I beat around the bush a lot, am never blunt, and rarely tell the straight up truth....I'm not sure how you guys caught up with me. I'm very much a politically correct wall flower. I walk on egg shells to spare people's feelings.
I'm very shy, don't have a sense of humor, and quite often am terrified to speak my mind...especially when someone is obviously trolling. I wish I knew how to use those GIF thingies...I think it would help me say what I'm trying to say more often.
Everyone here is 100% sincere, helpful to others, always courteous, and never lashes out at other users. Especially the brand new users that come in and make one of their very first posts to someone "fuck you, you fucking cunt", or something to that effect. That hardly ever happens. GaG is practically Utopia. I need help. Don't worry, the VVSS will have me assassinated by the time you read this.
I know, TL;DR.
I don't care. I enjoyed writing it.
DISCLAIMER FOR READERS THAT HAVE NO CLUE WTF I AM:
The above editorial was satire.